Enmeshment and Boundaries

Our group has been talking about the 4th step, which is creating a fearless moral inventory of ourselves, and for me as I do this I am constantly bombarded by boundaries, or the lack of boundaries in my life and my life history. It is also a good time to go back to that timeline I created of my personal life history, showing all the events in my life that had an impact on who I am today.

So I wanted to talk about enmeshment a little. For me, enmeshment is a big reason about why I make serious hurtful mistakes. Hurtful to myself and hurtful to others. Enmeshment occurs in relationships between people who have not developed their own identities and boundaries. Each person's sense of wholeness and self-worth is intertwined with those of the other person. It is as if there were only one identity, and it is difficult for either to function fully without the other. (CODA BLUE BOOK, pg 114, what is enmeshment?) 

Enmeshment is common among lovers, family members, friends, and care taking situations. An enmeshed relationship does not allow for autonomy, wholeness, or personal empowerment. We cannot focus on ourselves, our higher power, or relationships with others because our focus is overwhelmingly with someone else.

The way we step out of enmeshment is by setting and living with healthy boundaries. We have to keep the focus on ourselves and work to define who we are, what we want and need, and develop our own opinions.

For me, in past relationships, I could not see my life without the other person, and I could not bare it when they were unhappy about anything. I would move mountains and sacrifice anything to make sure that their happiness was taken care of, and that they were pleased. As I look back on it, it wasn't really that I wanted them to be happy, I just didn't want them to be angry, and most of all not angry with me. Also, I wanted them to notice that they were happier because of the things that I was doing and see my value and worth to them in their life. I wanted the security to know that they were happy enough with me to stick with me, happy enough with my value to them that they would love me and be with me.

How do I begin to set healthy boundaries? What does that even look like? and where do I begin?
First and foremost, we begin by starting in this program at getting through an understanding of the first three steps. I don't think that you have to master them, or be really good at them, I think you have to have a basic understanding and acceptance of these steps, as they are the foundation to continued recovery. What are those steps? They are.
1. I have admitted am powerless over others, and that my life has become unmanageable.
2. I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity
3. I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand God.

To remain steadfast in this process, I have to remain true to these steps, and I as I see that I am doing things the old way - I must return to the three steps and repeat them with each life scenario that I face. Then, I begin to look at boundaries. These are the imaginary borders that surround each individual's spirit, energy, behaviors, thoughts and emotions. Boundaries helps ensure our personal safety, comfort and self respect. When boundaries are violated we experience various feelings of discomfort. Boundaries are used for SELF CARE, and to respect others.

Do I know where someone stops and I begin? Do I know where my responsibility ends and theirs begins? What about, what is my business and what is none of my business?

Defining my boundaries is important, and then communicating what my boundaries are to others is also important. We cannot expect people to know what our boundaries are if we do not communicate them.

Getting Ready for Holidays with Uncertainty

The holidays bring about a lot of uneasy feelings for those of us in recovery. Whether its our past behavior or histories that give us apprehension about the events to come during the season, the feelings are there. 

For codependents, not only are we dealing with our history and our emotion but we are dealing with our desire to rescue others from their feelings and their hurt paths, and that can be draining.
So I am writing some food for thought as you embark on this season.

First, THINK OF YOURSELF. THINK OF YOUR SELF CARE and your DUTY TO SELF.
You can do this by writing down exactly what you would like to experience this holiday season. Define it for yourself. Write down 5 -10 things that you would like to do over the next 5 -6 weeks.
These can be events with family, inner personal experiences, events you experience alone. Write them down. Next, look at your calendar and put these events into your schedule, into your plan. If you have to rearrange your calendar, call up your friends or family - do it. Get it done, get it scheduled.

I had to go a step further, I had to also reflect on my feelings about how I want to make the holidays perfect for everyone else except me, and so I miss out on a lot of the fun and togetherness. I have to take my joy from what I see in others, and exhaust myself in the preparation and the delivery of the holiday events and hosting. So I decided to simplify. To do something completely simple for festivities, to dial down the giving and to focus truly on the togetherness. This was great for my self care. If others wanted things a certain way, I asked them to provide that. If they wanted a certain type of food, music or decoration, I asked them to work that out, being thankful for their idea and their contribution. 

Then, I had to let go. I have to let go of holidays in the past that have been painful or hurtful. I have to watch them dissipate into the night air, and I have to be ready for new holidays and new memories. I have to let go my control on the events, the get-togethers and just let them happen as they would without intervention. Let people behave how they do, let people feel how they do, let dinners taste how they do. And be good with whatever may be. 

This holiday season, give the gift of peace and calmness to yourself. Be thankful for your new life in the awareness of codependency and knowing that you do not have to control anything to have it be wonderful, or for others to be joyful and at peace.

Meddling - Rescuing - UGH, cant figure it out!

So I have been battling with pulling stuff back from my higher power, and taking control of it again. I have been battling with needing to be involved in helping and fixing again with everyone that is in my life, and when someone needs my help and I am unable to help or it is very difficult for me to help, I find myself in extreme guilt when I cannot assist them they way they have asked or that I have deemed they need.

What is funny is that I have a double standard for myself. You see, I dont expect that anyone else be held accountable for my responsibilities. And I don't expect anyone to jump in and help on things that I have assigned to myself in other people's lives. And so when help arrives, I habitually turn it down, or deny that person of helping or assisting in how they have offered.

So, this week I tried to STOP helping in every situation of other people that I feel inclined to do. I support with love and encouragement, but that is all. Wow thats hard!

Will people actually still like me if I dont help them in their daily life tasks? I have found that actually yes they will. And certain people will find me less annoying, and less front and center in their business and their lives.

Do I feel guilty? Yep! I sure do. But I am talking myself through that. I am reflecting on what others do in my family and friends circle for others, and for me, and weighing out my non-contribution to these circumstances. I find that most people are not jumping in the middle of others' lives, assisting with every turn. And that it is really good for people to be independent and SOLO on many tasks in life.

I am also trying to accept help more often, and ask for help more often. Wow... not perfectly and not often, but little by little. I am terrible at asking my husband for help with financial or family matters. I just dont want his hard view in my business. I dont want his criticism, and I dont want any conflict. As a result, when things hit the fan, its usually when they have spiraled out of control because I have delayed the inevitable conflict for far too long. Still struggling with this. I don't want to bother other people, or seem weak to other people and so therefore I dont ask for help. I dont ask for emotional support or support in situations, unless I am absolutely desperate.

Ugh! This balance thing is really hard to find, and knowing what is healthy and what is not is also hard. Its really a lesson in boundaries.

My struggle with Codependency -PART 2 - introduction to boundaries

A continuation from PART 1 posted in April 2016......

Finding out about codependency was difficult, and yet it was relieving. I learned that I was not just dysfunctional, bad, crazy or weak. I learned that there was a definite pattern to my behavior and reasons why I thought, felt and acted like I did.

But I still did not know why.

I learned that I was an enabler, and that my need for approval and affection caused me to neglect my beliefs and foundation, and behave in ways that were opposite to what I knew and understand as good behavior.

Creating my Life History or Timeline - What's the benefit of that?

 The benefit comes in peeling back my onion. I have repeated codependent traits and behaviors over and over again in my life. The way that I can overcome the cycle from happening again, is by determining where these behaviors originate from, thereby giving myself insight on my psyche- on my hidden memories and experiences that cause me to now react with codependent behavior. 

So how do I begin? By starting there, at the beginning. Going back to the first part of my life I brainstorm on memories that I have with maybe approximate ages. (see example timeline/history at the bottom)

It is important for me to write down everything that comes to mind, even if its out of order. Its important to not MINIMIZE the significance of anything. See, my trauma shown above is related to loneliness in a couple line items, but someone else might have experienced abuse. While their experience seems more traumatic than mine, my experience had significant impact on me. So just because something is not horrible, does not mean its not important. 

Some say compartmentalizing your life may be easier. For instance, Early Childhood, childhood, Middle School, High school, Young adult, Career experience, Family Experience, etc.

While doing this, your brain will get stumped, your emotions may be triggered, you may have to take a break - but what you will uncover are the sorrows and pains that pull at your subconscious and make you behave in certain protective or defensive ways. We want to identify our lifetime experiences, feelings and behaviors to pinpoint how we avoid, control, manipulate ourselves, other people and circumstances. (Codependents Anonymous, 1995)

Some questions to ask yourself to help trigger events are:

Do you remember times with friends? Which friends? What types of events? 

Do you remember interactions with your parents? When you were little, as you grew up? 

Were there times you remember feeling scared, alone, outcast. ignored, belittled? 

Were there happy times you remember that really were fun, joyful and loving? 

What neglect or abuse did I experience growing up?  Where did I learn to turn my head if it was happening to others? 

Who in my childhood displayed these behaviors or instructed me not to tell or share my feelings about it? 

Where did I learn to control others for my sense of well-being? 

How did I learn that I wasnt good enough or was better than others? 

Where did I learn that having a relationship would make me whole? 

(Codependents Anonymous, 1995)

The Blue Book, Codependents Anonymous, is where I reviewed this information to begin my timeline. My original timeline took about 2 days to do, but then over a few months things were added and more insight came to me as I constantly reviewed my past and my life history. 

Its important to note that we are not doing this to assign blame, and by holding on to blame we react codependently and remain powerless. Our goal is to find the root experiences of our unhealthy behaviors. We also need not blame ourselves. Or seek this process in an effort to figure out what is wrong with us. Through this process we must be reminded that we are valuable and wonderful how we are, and there is nothing wrong with us, only our behavior. 

Its important to list losses we have experienced in our life. And to allow ourselves to grieve these losses. Releasing these feelings in loss releases the energy that drives our codependent behavior. We begin to see that our codependent behavior of manipulation, control, rescuing and avoidance have only left us in despair. (Codependents Anonymous, 1995)

It is important to share our history and our timeline with our sponsor and friends in recovery. As we share, we release the emotions tied with our pain and suffering. Once we share, we can begin to accept our past, and think more positively and act in more healthy ways. 

I also find that praying about this process and sharing the process with my higher power through conversations, meditations and joint thought is so helpful. Learning about that inner presence of the higher power becomes such an anchor in this process and in healing. At times, I have to walk away from my history and just be present in my day - because too much pain or thinking all at once can sabotage my progress. I share with anyone at anytime that I am in a support group - and therapy over codependency. I share that I battle this every day of my life, and that my awareness of it is the only thing that has kept me from the edge. Sharing is powerful as we move through our day. I begin to own this part of me. Accept this part of me. and Happily... deal with this part of me. 

Good luck in Creating your timeline or history. I hope to see comments and conversation starting on the blog below.

No Strings Attached - Image that.. - HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS JUST BECAUSE

Learning to take care of myself has been one of the hardest and ongoing battles that I have had in my life. Even daily things, like dressing and getting ready to go out in the world have been done in the past for the wrong reasons. 

I wanted to be liked. 

I wanted to be thought of well by others.

Did this mean that the clothes or styles or ways I prepared myself to leave my house were done for the purpose of being liked by other people? Yes oft times it did. And coming to terms with that was difficult. Over the past year, I have had to learn to like myself, plainly as me. I have had to begin the process of learning who I was without any worldly definitions or identities on myself. 

Who am I  - without a label? Who am I without what I do for a living as a career? 

Who am I - without my title as mother, daughter, friend, wife to others? 

Who am I when all those identities are stripped away from me? And where is my value?

Learning that I was valuable just because I exist was a difficult concept. If I don't do anything for anyone, and I just sit here, I am still valuable. Learning that not everyone weighs their value by what other people think of them , or how others value them, total new concept for me. 

That I should be able to have meaningful relationships with others without doing things for them, or their lives. What? That happens? Other people live like that and with that expectation?

Hard to change that part of me.

And the guilt. The guilt that if I did not do something for someone else, or I wasn't available for someone else when they needed me.. was overwhelming and controlling my life. If one of my children was feeling bad, or my husband was mad or upset, or a friend was having a hard time, if I didn't jump in to help and do things to ease the situation, I felt so guilty and could not function. 

I automatically feel that others' problems, and burdens and discomforts are mine to resolve. It is my responsibility to always be the helping hand. 

But do I feel that others should be helping me and should automatically feel the need to jump in help me? No i don't. I know that I have to stand on my own two feet and I try not to count on others to help me. I don't even ask for help - instead I keep everything about me and how I feel bottled up - until I explode from time to time because the burdens become too great to bare, and the loneliness is too much to handle. 

SO how do I counter the loneliness?  I make myself useful, or needed in the life of another. So they will think I am worthy of spending time with. 

And when I do and do and do for them.... and they don't reciprocate by spending time with me and being someone that is in my day to day life - I feel betrayed and let down. Although, they may not have wanted all that I did for them. It was nice, but they didn't ask me. And they may not understand my expectation in return and just think of me as kind of needy and obsessive. 

So I have had to develop the skill of being okay and being good at being alone.

I have had to learn that by doing things in others lives, does not mean that they will be an intimate part of my life. 

And that relationships with others, family, friends and significant others should not and do not depend on what I have done for them lately, or what I will do for them in the future. 

Healthy relationships exist because both persons care about the other, just because they exist and they get along, and because they like to spend time with another. Not because they do things for each other or solve each others problems. 

So in my commitment to not DO for others this year... I am beginning to see that I am valuable to others just because they like me. Not because I do anything. And for some.. they have moved on. And they may have been painful, but now I realize they were in my life for unhealthy reasons.

And by doing nothing

Just by breathing 

I am learning how to have relationships with others with no strings attached. 

Imagine that.....

The Battle with Self Pity

In conversations that I have been having with others, myself and especially with God, I have been reminded a few things:

It is okay when we do our meditations, our book work, our journaling or our prayers to ask WHY? To say "is anyone listening?" and to acknowledge how lonely we feel.

What is not good or healthy for us is to get stuck there. 

I can't get stuck in the WHY ME? pity party. I can't get stuck in the continual rumination of how unfair all this is.

I must press on - if only with what I can do for today.

I must turn to the step work in my head. I must remember my "powerless" commitment and stop holding on to things I cannot change.

Sometimes thats the past. I think about the past and the stupid stupid things I have done.. and I think about why and wish that I hadnt acted in that way.

Or I think about the way others have hurt me - and I am so mad, and yet I also feel so stupid. 

I think about the ways I allowed others to mistreat me or the ways I acted that mistreated myself...

AND I JUST FEEL BAD....

I must then remind myself that I am powerless over the past. 

The past of me

The past of others

The past actions

The past inactions

I have to surrender my feelings of the past - and any thoughts I have that distract me or hold me down about the past to my higher power.

I must let go of this and let my higher power deal with these emotions, and help me to heal.

I must focus on my day at hand. I must work the steps.

I must spend my time on my, and my meditation, my reading, my reflection.

I must spend my spiritual time for that is the only thing that will help to get better. That is the only thing that will create the habit of leaning on my higher power and not feeling lonely or lost. 

The power of teaching ourselves mindfulness is limitless. Mindfulness is:

1. 1.

   the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

   "their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
2. 2.

   a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

So - breathing is a way to get myself to be mindful of my breath - and not focus on anything else for the time being.

Watching the nature or the people around me - carefully observing the beauty, the actions, the colors - all that my senses are taking in - is mindful of the moment - and it takes my mind away from frantic behavior.

Gratitude prayers about today - and what I have - is mindfulness. Being mindful of all that is around me. my clothes, my house, my food, my ability to walk, breathe, talk, think, bathe, stretch, listen, sing, hum, read... and much more. 

So today - just for today :-) I am going to try to practice mindfulness - and God/Universe awareness. 

So that I see in all that is around me today - its presence, beauty and its uniqueness.

I am powerless of what others try to do to me.

I am powerless of what others do to themselves.

I am powerless over my co workers, and my employment. (to some extent) 

But I know what is not powerless over those things.

I am powerless over the past.

But I know what power can heal me from the wounds the past has left in me.

I am powerless over what tomorrow may have in store for me or my family.

But I am in touch with a power, I am close with a power, that is not powerless over tomorrow 

and I will leave that there, with that power... for that moment in the future.

We are all warriors! I look forward to your comments.