I wanted to be liked.
I wanted to be thought of well by others.
Did this mean that the clothes or styles or ways I prepared myself to leave my house were done for the purpose of being liked by other people? Yes oft times it did. And coming to terms with that was difficult. Over the past year, I have had to learn to like myself, plainly as me. I have had to begin the process of learning who I was without any worldly definitions or identities on myself.
Who am I - without a label? Who am I without what I do for a living as a career?
Who am I - without my title as mother, daughter, friend, wife to others?
Who am I when all those identities are stripped away from me? And where is my value?
Learning that I was valuable just because I exist was a difficult concept. If I don't do anything for anyone, and I just sit here, I am still valuable. Learning that not everyone weighs their value by what other people think of them , or how others value them, total new concept for me.
That I should be able to have meaningful relationships with others without doing things for them, or their lives. What? That happens? Other people live like that and with that expectation?
Hard to change that part of me.
And the guilt. The guilt that if I did not do something for someone else, or I wasn't available for someone else when they needed me.. was overwhelming and controlling my life. If one of my children was feeling bad, or my husband was mad or upset, or a friend was having a hard time, if I didn't jump in to help and do things to ease the situation, I felt so guilty and could not function.
I automatically feel that others' problems, and burdens and discomforts are mine to resolve. It is my responsibility to always be the helping hand.
But do I feel that others should be helping me and should automatically feel the need to jump in help me? No i don't. I know that I have to stand on my own two feet and I try not to count on others to help me. I don't even ask for help - instead I keep everything about me and how I feel bottled up - until I explode from time to time because the burdens become too great to bare, and the loneliness is too much to handle.
SO how do I counter the loneliness? I make myself useful, or needed in the life of another. So they will think I am worthy of spending time with.
And when I do and do and do for them.... and they don't reciprocate by spending time with me and being someone that is in my day to day life - I feel betrayed and let down. Although, they may not have wanted all that I did for them. It was nice, but they didn't ask me. And they may not understand my expectation in return and just think of me as kind of needy and obsessive.
So I have had to develop the skill of being okay and being good at being alone.
I have had to learn that by doing things in others lives, does not mean that they will be an intimate part of my life.
And that relationships with others, family, friends and significant others should not and do not depend on what I have done for them lately, or what I will do for them in the future.
Healthy relationships exist because both persons care about the other, just because they exist and they get along, and because they like to spend time with another. Not because they do things for each other or solve each others problems.
So in my commitment to not DO for others this year... I am beginning to see that I am valuable to others just because they like me. Not because I do anything. And for some.. they have moved on. And they may have been painful, but now I realize they were in my life for unhealthy reasons.
And by doing nothing
Just by breathing
I am learning how to have relationships with others with no strings attached.
Imagine that.....
