The benefit comes in peeling back my onion. I have repeated codependent traits and behaviors over and over again in my life. The way that I can overcome the cycle from happening again, is by determining where these behaviors originate from, thereby giving myself insight on my psyche- on my hidden memories and experiences that cause me to now react with codependent behavior.
So how do I begin? By starting there, at the beginning. Going back to the first part of my life I brainstorm on memories that I have with maybe approximate ages. (see example timeline/history at the bottom)
It is important for me to write down everything that comes to mind, even if its out of order. Its important to not MINIMIZE the significance of anything. See, my trauma shown above is related to loneliness in a couple line items, but someone else might have experienced abuse. While their experience seems more traumatic than mine, my experience had significant impact on me. So just because something is not horrible, does not mean its not important.
Some say compartmentalizing your life may be easier. For instance, Early Childhood, childhood, Middle School, High school, Young adult, Career experience, Family Experience, etc.
While doing this, your brain will get stumped, your emotions may be triggered, you may have to take a break - but what you will uncover are the sorrows and pains that pull at your subconscious and make you behave in certain protective or defensive ways. We want to identify our lifetime experiences, feelings and behaviors to pinpoint how we avoid, control, manipulate ourselves, other people and circumstances. (Codependents Anonymous, 1995)
Some questions to ask yourself to help trigger events are:
Do you remember times with friends? Which friends? What types of events?
Do you remember interactions with your parents? When you were little, as you grew up?
Were there times you remember feeling scared, alone, outcast. ignored, belittled?
Were there happy times you remember that really were fun, joyful and loving?
What neglect or abuse did I experience growing up? Where did I learn to turn my head if it was happening to others?
Who in my childhood displayed these behaviors or instructed me not to tell or share my feelings about it?
Where did I learn to control others for my sense of well-being?
How did I learn that I wasnt good enough or was better than others?
Where did I learn that having a relationship would make me whole?
(Codependents Anonymous, 1995)
The Blue Book, Codependents Anonymous, is where I reviewed this information to begin my timeline. My original timeline took about 2 days to do, but then over a few months things were added and more insight came to me as I constantly reviewed my past and my life history.
Its important to note that we are not doing this to assign blame, and by holding on to blame we react codependently and remain powerless. Our goal is to find the root experiences of our unhealthy behaviors. We also need not blame ourselves. Or seek this process in an effort to figure out what is wrong with us. Through this process we must be reminded that we are valuable and wonderful how we are, and there is nothing wrong with us, only our behavior.
Its important to list losses we have experienced in our life. And to allow ourselves to grieve these losses. Releasing these feelings in loss releases the energy that drives our codependent behavior. We begin to see that our codependent behavior of manipulation, control, rescuing and avoidance have only left us in despair. (Codependents Anonymous, 1995)
It is important to share our history and our timeline with our sponsor and friends in recovery. As we share, we release the emotions tied with our pain and suffering. Once we share, we can begin to accept our past, and think more positively and act in more healthy ways.
I also find that praying about this process and sharing the process with my higher power through conversations, meditations and joint thought is so helpful. Learning about that inner presence of the higher power becomes such an anchor in this process and in healing. At times, I have to walk away from my history and just be present in my day - because too much pain or thinking all at once can sabotage my progress. I share with anyone at anytime that I am in a support group - and therapy over codependency. I share that I battle this every day of my life, and that my awareness of it is the only thing that has kept me from the edge. Sharing is powerful as we move through our day. I begin to own this part of me. Accept this part of me. and Happily... deal with this part of me.
Good luck in Creating your timeline or history. I hope to see comments and conversation starting on the blog below.
