Codependency has been a defining factor in my life long before I even knew what it was.
It caused me to get off track in life goals and in knowing what was best for myself. Codependency was blinding, and dark, and until the madness and chaos got so bad in my life, I had no idea that what I was doing was unhealthy, or that there was a way to get my life back on track.
How did Codependency manifest in my life?
Through relationships as a teenager at first. I was always in need to be validated by my peers, my friends, my church, my school mates, and my family. This was a deep focus of mine and overtook my sense of responsibility to myself, my family and others. Decisions that I would make as a teenager and young adult were illogical and out of balance. But, at that the root of my decisions and actions sat the unquenched desire to be valuable to others, approved of by others, and loved by others.
What did I do?
Although I am very smart, I sacrificed my schooling and academic success to have intimate relationships. My focus from about 16 years old was to be needed and loved in someone's life, a boyfriend. I learned a lot about the world in this decision making whirl-win that I was in. I missed classes in college, eventually dropping out my freshman year because I was pregnant. I did not care, it did not devastate me. All I wanted was the fantasy of having a meaningful, loving relationship with that special someone. The someone that I was connected with at the time, was broken in his own way. He came from a dysfunctional family, and his mom's new husband was abusive and frequently involved in criminal activities. He was someone who loved to go to parties, and loved to drink. I did not think anything bad about this, I just thought it was normal young adult or teen age behavior. I did not know the extent to which he was involved in drinking and that it would eventually lead us to a place that I could not be in.
Because of his alcohol abuse and angry behavior I moved back home with my parents with my son, who was a baby. I stayed there for a couple of years. But still, the hunger inside me to be loved, to be wanted to be accepted and to be needed was overpowering. I made decisions that brought me close to people who were also like me. We spent a lot of time in bars and having fun. My parents helped me a lot. I was working and being a single mom, but I was also having a lot of help. Within two years, and after dating a lot of people, I met someone who I could cling onto. He resisted some, but he liked hanging with me, and he had a severe need for me. He was discombombulated and emotional. He needed help getting things done in his daily life and boy was I the person for the job. I could help him with finding housing, with finding a car, with finding a job... and when he was mean or inconsiterate of my feelings, I would be sad, I would be mad, but I would forgive and jump back in. It was not until about 1 year into our relationship that I found out he was a drug addict. But, did that scare me away? No way! I could help him, I could support him. I could see his potential and his intelligence and I could help him to be all he ever could be.
I hang on. For 10 years. 10 years full of ups and downs, and rehabs and interventions. 10 years of moving and him losing jobs. 10 years of supporting us, and my son. And then eventually our son together and our daughter. 10 years of trying to fix, trying to save and trying not to lose my mind.
And in the middle of that 10 years, at my deepest low - a Pastor at Church told me that I should attend a codependent support group. Al-Anon or something like that and that I should read a book called CoDependent No More.
UGH!
I read some of the book - I threw the book.
I tried to read some of that book again! I threw the book. I hated that book!
It wasnt me that wasnt me IT WAS NOT ME!
it was me
but why? I did not come from a family that was dysfunctional, I never suffered from abuse as a child, and now I was allowing myself to be abused. . I had a loving family...and a supportive family... what made me a codependent? and I was a severe codependent!
