Valuing myself

You are encouraged to read through the 12 Steps for CoDA everyday as you begin this journey in order to become familiar with the steps and what the path looks like as we develop the necessary tools to have healthy relationships. We use the workbook for Codependent No More as a tool in our group to help walk us through the twelve steps. 

page 67

"I learned that no matter what mountains appeared in my path, a way would be made for me to go over, through, or around them, and usually I'd climb to the top. For whatever problems I had, the solutions I needed also appeared."

As we learn to let go of holding on to control so tightly, and learn to listen and relax, we learn to be okay with where we are, and what we must conquer, endure and get through. Our group is a safe place to share, to listen and to receive support and information. No matter what we are going through, we are accepted, valued and supported. 

Self love is an important part of this journey. Learning to love myself, my habits, my circumstances, my feelings, my life just as it is. Knowing that I am valuable and I am lovable - not for the things that I do, but just because I am. Just because I exist. 

Its hard. I am so hard on myself at times. I am a perfectionist, and I hear all too clearly all the faults that people see in me, and the wrong they see in who I am. But when I am feeling unworthy of love or affection - I have to stop and remember that I am worthy and that no matter what I do or dont do for myself or for others, I am still valuable and I am still worthy of people caring for me and treating me correctly.

As it was said in our meeting last week, we teach others how to treat us. 

And this is a shift we need to make in our lives.

We need to retrain others on a new way of how to value and how to treat us.

And we need to retrain ourselves on how to treat ourselves and value ourselves.

And one of the first steps is spending time with myself and on myself. Working on my steps, working on retraining my thought patterns and retraining my brain - and listening.

Surrender - Spending the time with ourselves

Good Afternoon Friends, 

LAST WEEK:

Last week we talked about Steps 1 - 3, and about letting go of our obsessions, our fears, our pasts, our futures and turning all these things over to our higher power. 

SURRENDER:

Through the processes of Steps 1 - 3 we learn that we are powerless, we learn that there is a higher power that is able and willing to be there for us and to help us through all these twists and turns and uphill battles and we begin to accept this and learn to surrender all that we have been holding so tightly onto for control and security, to our higher power. We begin to understand that our higher power cares deeply us and our well-being, and that there is a great value in us. 

We begin the walk of surrendering each moment, each thing, each worry, each trial over to our higher power. We begin to understand that in order to walk forward in a healthy space, we must spend time with ourselves, and we must spend time with our higher power. 

SPENDING TIME WITH OURSELVES:

Spending time on yourself is sometimes a hard habit to begin. It seems selfish maybe and unproductive. Sometimes I think that I am wasting so much time that I could be "doing" things. But its important for me to remember that doing the me time, spending time journaling, spending time talking things over with God, spending time LISTENING and meditating is PRODUCTIVE DOING!

And it should be part of my calendar my schedule and my responsibilities EVERY DAY.

Over this Holiday Weekend, there were so many things that I had to do and people that were scheduled into my days, that on Sunday and Monday I did not spend the me time. Now, that did not mean that Sunday and Monday were dreary or sad days, but you know what it did mean? That my worries on Monday night before I went to bed, and this morning when I got up, were way too much than I could handle. I was future worrying, I was past grieving, I was thinking about things that I had already surrendered... My "surrender muscle" was beginning to atrophy.. I was not spending the time. 

In order to make surrender work, in order to have the relaxed faith needed to apply surrender, we have to work out the muscle. We have to practice surrender, we have to practice forgiveness of ourselves and others, we have to spend time with ourselves and becoming comfortable in a relationship to our higher power. We wont want to surrender our stuff, and our will over to a higher power that we do not know. 

Work the muscle. Spend the moments. 

Schedule the little bits of time with yourself, your book, your journal and your higher power. 

 Have a wonderful day, and think about something you are grateful for in this day. 

Peace be with you,

Emily

My struggle with Codependency -PART 1

Codependency has been a defining factor in my life long before I even knew what it was.
It caused me to get off track in life goals and in knowing what was best for myself. Codependency was blinding, and dark, and until the madness and chaos got so bad in my life, I had no idea that what I was doing was unhealthy, or that there was a way to get my life back on track.

How did Codependency manifest in my life?

Through relationships as a teenager at first. I was always in need to be validated by my peers, my friends, my church, my school mates, and my family. This was a deep focus of mine and overtook my sense of responsibility to myself, my family and others. Decisions that I would make as a teenager and young adult were illogical and out of balance. But, at that the root of my decisions and actions sat the unquenched desire to be valuable to others, approved of by others, and loved by others.

What did I do?

Although I am very smart, I sacrificed my schooling and academic success to have intimate relationships. My focus from about 16 years old was to be needed and loved in someone's life, a boyfriend. I learned a lot about the world in this decision making whirl-win that I was in. I missed classes in college, eventually dropping out my freshman year because I was pregnant. I did not care, it did not devastate me. All I wanted was the fantasy of having a meaningful, loving relationship with that special someone. The someone that I was connected with at the time, was broken in his own way. He came from a dysfunctional family, and his mom's new husband was abusive and frequently involved in criminal activities. He was someone who loved to go to parties, and loved to drink. I did not think anything bad about this, I just thought it was normal young adult or teen age behavior. I did not know the extent to which he was involved in drinking and that it would eventually lead us to a place that I could not be in.

Because of his alcohol abuse and angry behavior I moved back home with my parents with my son, who was a baby. I stayed there for a couple of years. But still, the hunger inside me to be loved, to be wanted to be accepted and to be needed was overpowering. I made decisions that brought me close to people who were also like me. We spent a lot of time in bars and having fun. My parents helped me a lot. I was working and being a single mom, but I was also having a lot of help. Within two years, and after dating a lot of people, I met someone who I could cling onto. He resisted some, but he liked hanging with me, and he had a severe need for me. He was discombombulated and emotional. He needed help getting things done in his daily life and boy was I the person for the job. I could help him with finding housing, with finding a car, with finding a job... and when he was mean or inconsiterate of my feelings, I would be sad, I would be mad, but I would forgive and jump back in. It was not until about 1 year into our relationship that I found out he was a drug addict. But, did that scare me away? No way! I could help him, I could support him. I could see his potential and his intelligence and I could help him to be all he ever could be.

I hang on. For 10 years. 10 years full of ups and downs, and rehabs and interventions. 10 years of moving and him losing jobs. 10 years of supporting us, and my son. And then eventually our son together and our daughter. 10 years of trying to fix, trying to save and trying not to lose my mind.

And in the middle of that 10 years, at my deepest low - a Pastor at Church told me that I should attend a codependent support group. Al-Anon or something like that and that I should read a book called CoDependent No More.
UGH!
I read some of the book - I threw the book.
I tried to read some of that book again! I threw the book. I hated that book!
It wasnt me that wasnt me IT WAS NOT ME!

it was me

but why? I did not come from a family that was dysfunctional, I never suffered from abuse as a child, and now I was allowing myself to be abused. . I had a loving family...and  a supportive family... what made me a codependent? and I was a severe codependent!

Step 4 - and beginning our Moral and Spiritual Inventory

Last week we talked a little about Step 4 - and beginning our Moral and Spiritual Inventory and how that looks.

We reviewed the table in the workbook that asks us to list emotions, beliefs and behaviors that we experience that are negative, and try to think of the first instance in our life where we remember feeling this, and how this manifests in our life today.

I started by making the table that she describes in this book, and brainstorming on the negative emotions, behaviors and beliefs that I have. I then skipped to column 4 and rated each of these on the pain scale of 1 -10.

This gave a good idea of prioritizing for me. 

So I think then that I will look at the present, how this is manifesting in my life now, and then continue to search on the origin of this in my life.

We also talked about spending sometime in silence each day. Like quiet meditation - where you sit, with no music, not activity and no people around. 

Trying to quiet your mind and thoughts, and listen to what the Universe, your higher power etc are telling you... spending time in listening mode with our higher power is essential.

How do you do this.... and this seems hard were some comments on this silent part of each day.

Really you want to be still, be silent and let God talk to you.

The best way is to find a quiet and private alone spot where you will not have any interruptions, and turn off your phone.

Then close your eyes and begin to focus on your breathing.

Counting slowing as you inhale to 5

and counting slowly as your exhale as high as you can count.

Then again.

Focusing on how the breathing feeling, how it sounds, what your lungs are doing when you inhale and exhale.

When you find your mind wandering - gently bring it back to focusing on your breathing.

We also talked more about the frenzy that our minds can bring us to when we are worrying or we are in fear, or anguish over life or personal relationships.

We are to continually remind ourselves that we are powerless and that GOD IS IN CONTROL.

We should find security in the fact that a power so much greater than ourselves is in control of our concerns and our life, because we know then it is in very capable and trustworthy hands.

Are you having trouble giving power and control over in a particular area or relationship in your life? 

Are struggling with holding on to the stress and the pain that comes with this?

Imagine yourself holding tightly to this area of your life. This thing, this relationship. HOLD TIGHT AND SQUEEZE your hands together tightly.

Then open your hands, and see the problem leave your grasp - and fade into the air - for God to handle and control.

This is a great mental image for releasing our tight grasp - and giving our struggle away.

Moment by Moment - Remembering the Surrender

In my reflection this week, I have been able to do a little better at remembering I am powerless, and rely fully on the power and strength of God.

I have been much more calm this week - and I am having a much easier time staying present in the day I have been given rather than worrying about what tomorrow brings.

I am struggling with the helping, giving, and assisting hiatus that I am on - because the book told me I needed to until I am in a healthier state of mind.

I am not sure where that begins... like with my children, husband, friends etc. 

So its another moment by moment thing.

What I know is that the actions that I take today - and my reactions today - will have an effect on my tomorrow.

If I remain calm, and remind myself that God is control - that will help my whole process today - and bring a better tomorrow.

I also remember that anytime I have been trying to hold onto control and fall into my survival patterns, I make bad choices and end up hurting myself and maybe even others. 

So

I remind myself that I am powerless

But God is in control, and he loves me!

And he wants what is best for me. 

And just like me, he loves my children, my family, my friends.

And he wants what is best for them too. 

Its not all up to me, to care for and worry about them.

God has it all under control if I would just let go.

I breathe in and I breathe out a few times.

And tell him THANK YOU. 

And then motion on in my world.