My struggle with Codependency -PART 1

Codependency has been a defining factor in my life long before I even knew what it was.
It caused me to get off track in life goals and in knowing what was best for myself. Codependency was blinding, and dark, and until the madness and chaos got so bad in my life, I had no idea that what I was doing was unhealthy, or that there was a way to get my life back on track.

How did Codependency manifest in my life?

Through relationships as a teenager at first. I was always in need to be validated by my peers, my friends, my church, my school mates, and my family. This was a deep focus of mine and overtook my sense of responsibility to myself, my family and others. Decisions that I would make as a teenager and young adult were illogical and out of balance. But, at that the root of my decisions and actions sat the unquenched desire to be valuable to others, approved of by others, and loved by others.

What did I do?

Although I am very smart, I sacrificed my schooling and academic success to have intimate relationships. My focus from about 16 years old was to be needed and loved in someone's life, a boyfriend. I learned a lot about the world in this decision making whirl-win that I was in. I missed classes in college, eventually dropping out my freshman year because I was pregnant. I did not care, it did not devastate me. All I wanted was the fantasy of having a meaningful, loving relationship with that special someone. The someone that I was connected with at the time, was broken in his own way. He came from a dysfunctional family, and his mom's new husband was abusive and frequently involved in criminal activities. He was someone who loved to go to parties, and loved to drink. I did not think anything bad about this, I just thought it was normal young adult or teen age behavior. I did not know the extent to which he was involved in drinking and that it would eventually lead us to a place that I could not be in.

Because of his alcohol abuse and angry behavior I moved back home with my parents with my son, who was a baby. I stayed there for a couple of years. But still, the hunger inside me to be loved, to be wanted to be accepted and to be needed was overpowering. I made decisions that brought me close to people who were also like me. We spent a lot of time in bars and having fun. My parents helped me a lot. I was working and being a single mom, but I was also having a lot of help. Within two years, and after dating a lot of people, I met someone who I could cling onto. He resisted some, but he liked hanging with me, and he had a severe need for me. He was discombombulated and emotional. He needed help getting things done in his daily life and boy was I the person for the job. I could help him with finding housing, with finding a car, with finding a job... and when he was mean or inconsiterate of my feelings, I would be sad, I would be mad, but I would forgive and jump back in. It was not until about 1 year into our relationship that I found out he was a drug addict. But, did that scare me away? No way! I could help him, I could support him. I could see his potential and his intelligence and I could help him to be all he ever could be.

I hang on. For 10 years. 10 years full of ups and downs, and rehabs and interventions. 10 years of moving and him losing jobs. 10 years of supporting us, and my son. And then eventually our son together and our daughter. 10 years of trying to fix, trying to save and trying not to lose my mind.

And in the middle of that 10 years, at my deepest low - a Pastor at Church told me that I should attend a codependent support group. Al-Anon or something like that and that I should read a book called CoDependent No More.
UGH!
I read some of the book - I threw the book.
I tried to read some of that book again! I threw the book. I hated that book!
It wasnt me that wasnt me IT WAS NOT ME!

it was me

but why? I did not come from a family that was dysfunctional, I never suffered from abuse as a child, and now I was allowing myself to be abused. . I had a loving family...and  a supportive family... what made me a codependent? and I was a severe codependent!

Powerlessness - Illuminating my path

We had a great week last week - and welcomed a few new folks to our meeting! It was great. We missed those of you who could not be there, but we hope to see you this Wed.

We talked mostly about the first 3 steps and how we move into this journey by first understanding that we have come to CODA because our life, or situations in our life, have become unmanagable.

We have entered into a place where we don't know what to do next, and are arms are lifted in exasperation for a hope of relief.

POWERLESSNESS:

First of all - Welcome to that great place of knowing that you can't fix it.

We are powerless over our lives, our selves and others. And we must admit that we are powerless.

We cant fix it.

For me, there is great power and serenity in remembering that I can't fix it.

Like we discussed this past week, knowing that I can't fix it releases me from the responsibility to fix it, and to fix others. I am powerless. I cant do it. 

KNOWING A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF:

Next is a step of faith - and learning to be friends with and begin to understand a higher power. 

A power greater than yourself.

This can be difficult if you have not considered a higher power in your life before.

I encourage you to read about faith, and to explore the many different aspects of faith and power out there. If you are interested in attending church, I encourage you to do so. If you find yourself curious about other types of faiths around the world, I encourage you to read about them, visit temples, mosques, meditation centers, libraries. Begin the quest of knowing who your higher power is for you... and spend time with yourself contemplating the idea that there is power greater than yourself that makes the world and the universe go round.. you now need to lean into that and find that for yourself.

FOR ME, THIS WEEK I HAD TO BE REMINDED ABOUT "only enough for today":

This week for me I had a great image given to me by my reading. I struggle with wanting to know what is going to happen with all the good and bad things that are going on in my life now. I want to know what is around the corner and what is in store for this week, this month, this year. I want to be given security in knowing that there is a plan of action and a method for handling what the future holds. 

If I am truly giving myself, my life, my future, MY WILL over to God. Then knowing what is around the corner of today, tomorrow, next week etc is not important. 

My reading told me this:

           Your path will be illuminated. I will shine my light for you and lift you from the darkness.

                     But your path will be illuminated enough for you to see today, enough for you to get through today.

                     Dont worry that there will not be light for tomorrow, or that tomorrow will be too difficult

                     For when tomorrow comes, I will illuminate your path again. You will not be left in darkness, ever.

So, today - my path is lit. 

I am able to move forward through what I am given. And if worries of what the future holds sneak into my thoughts, I remind myself GOD IS IN CONTROL

I say a quick "hello" to the Holy Spirit who is with me. I remember how grateful I am that I am not alone, and I say "thank you"

And I say - THY WILL BE DONE.

And then I move on.

That has helped me lean into the unknown and be more comfortable in the groundlessness state that I find myself in.