Personal Boundaries - working the Steps of Codependent Recovery

Good Morning All, 

I wanted to touch base this week before our meeting tomorrow. Last week we had a couple of new comers and a wonderful conversation about the 12 steps in Daily Living as well as

BOUNDARIES: while continuing to process what is needed of us in Step Four. 

Taking a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and our lives.

We talked again about the goodness in us, and not to get side tracked by finding only fault and wrongdoings, or be over burdened by guilt.

Part of this process is learning where you may have crossed important boundaries for yourself or others, and by doing so may have caused harm, to yourself or others.

Boundaries have been an important part of our discussion over the last month - and we will continue to talk about it.

But I encourage you to get the Boundaries Book by Dr Cloud and discover some of these amazing techniques he offers for yourself,

So, I have made a commitment to not worry about cleaning up or straightening anyone else's yard for the time being.

 until I have a better handle on boundaries in my life right now as they are, and what I would like them to be.

Guilt is a huge factor for me in making decisions that are unhealthy and wrong for me, and others.

I shoot from the hip and make quick often wrong decisions, so that others do not feel badly, and in order to avoid conflict.

I shelter others with means that I really do not have, and it can be detrimental to myself and them.

I do not weigh the consequences thoroughly before acting, and make stupid mistakes that I know well are not what I should have done, when I look back on them,

Why do I do this? 

Why do I make bad decisions when others are involved? Whether it be, money, hardship, activities, responsibilities, boundaries.....

One of the things I have uncovered is that I do not want people to be unduely burdened because of me. I do not want to ask people for help, I dont want people to think I am a failure

I want to be accepted and thought well of. I want to avoid conflict, and hurting others or making them angry. 

I am constantly noting my feelings of not being valuable enough just how I am, warts and all. 

I am critical of myself, and internally feel like I do not measure up. 

I dont want my kids to feel like this ever, so I overcompensate for them and their needs. I enable them always. I shelter them and spoil them. 

I feel guilty of my shortcomings as a parent and try to make up for these things - over and over. 

I dont want to burden my husband with problems, or stresses, and so I dont tell him things that are going on, or stresses or fears that I have. I am afraid of conflict in our relationship and so I avoid it. 

I dont often call upon my friends or family members when I need something, until its a crisis.

I can dig deep holes for myself... and then labor intensely by myself without asking for help. Eventhough I know that people need help, and I am the first to offer it others in their struggles and hard times.

I often forget that others can ease my burden. 

I often forget that others want to help me too. 

I dont know how to let others help me, and maybe I dont even know how to let God Help me.

Maybe I am feeling like I am not worthy of His help. 

So.... I go back to the first 3 steps.

I am powerless. I cannot do everything - or anything.

I must believe in the power greater than myself. And that the love that is there, and the power that is there, is also there for me.

I must be willing to turn my will and my direction/path and life over to this power and stop resisting the struggle. I must surrender to this power greater than myself that can truly help me. 

In order to learn how to rely on others, I must first learn to rely on him. Blindly, with open arms and willingness to go through whatever he has for me. 

With the faith that his perfect plan will get me to a place of wonder and beauty that I can never get to on my own, even if the path to that place is thorny, rough and painful.