The Battle with Self Pity

In conversations that I have been having with others, myself and especially with God, I have been reminded a few things:

It is okay when we do our meditations, our book work, our journaling or our prayers to ask WHY? To say "is anyone listening?" and to acknowledge how lonely we feel.

What is not good or healthy for us is to get stuck there. 

I can't get stuck in the WHY ME? pity party. I can't get stuck in the continual rumination of how unfair all this is.

I must press on - if only with what I can do for today.

I must turn to the step work in my head. I must remember my "powerless" commitment and stop holding on to things I cannot change.

Sometimes thats the past. I think about the past and the stupid stupid things I have done.. and I think about why and wish that I hadnt acted in that way.

Or I think about the way others have hurt me - and I am so mad, and yet I also feel so stupid. 

I think about the ways I allowed others to mistreat me or the ways I acted that mistreated myself...

AND I JUST FEEL BAD....

I must then remind myself that I am powerless over the past. 

The past of me

The past of others

The past actions

The past inactions

I have to surrender my feelings of the past - and any thoughts I have that distract me or hold me down about the past to my higher power.

I must let go of this and let my higher power deal with these emotions, and help me to heal.

I must focus on my day at hand. I must work the steps.

I must spend my time on my, and my meditation, my reading, my reflection.

I must spend my spiritual time for that is the only thing that will help to get better. That is the only thing that will create the habit of leaning on my higher power and not feeling lonely or lost. 

The power of teaching ourselves mindfulness is limitless. Mindfulness is:

1. 1.

   the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

   "their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
2. 2.

   a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

So - breathing is a way to get myself to be mindful of my breath - and not focus on anything else for the time being.

Watching the nature or the people around me - carefully observing the beauty, the actions, the colors - all that my senses are taking in - is mindful of the moment - and it takes my mind away from frantic behavior.

Gratitude prayers about today - and what I have - is mindfulness. Being mindful of all that is around me. my clothes, my house, my food, my ability to walk, breathe, talk, think, bathe, stretch, listen, sing, hum, read... and much more. 

So today - just for today :-) I am going to try to practice mindfulness - and God/Universe awareness. 

So that I see in all that is around me today - its presence, beauty and its uniqueness.

I am powerless of what others try to do to me.

I am powerless of what others do to themselves.

I am powerless over my co workers, and my employment. (to some extent) 

But I know what is not powerless over those things.

I am powerless over the past.

But I know what power can heal me from the wounds the past has left in me.

I am powerless over what tomorrow may have in store for me or my family.

But I am in touch with a power, I am close with a power, that is not powerless over tomorrow 

and I will leave that there, with that power... for that moment in the future.

We are all warriors! I look forward to your comments.

Valuing myself

You are encouraged to read through the 12 Steps for CoDA everyday as you begin this journey in order to become familiar with the steps and what the path looks like as we develop the necessary tools to have healthy relationships. We use the workbook for Codependent No More as a tool in our group to help walk us through the twelve steps. 

page 67

"I learned that no matter what mountains appeared in my path, a way would be made for me to go over, through, or around them, and usually I'd climb to the top. For whatever problems I had, the solutions I needed also appeared."

As we learn to let go of holding on to control so tightly, and learn to listen and relax, we learn to be okay with where we are, and what we must conquer, endure and get through. Our group is a safe place to share, to listen and to receive support and information. No matter what we are going through, we are accepted, valued and supported. 

Self love is an important part of this journey. Learning to love myself, my habits, my circumstances, my feelings, my life just as it is. Knowing that I am valuable and I am lovable - not for the things that I do, but just because I am. Just because I exist. 

Its hard. I am so hard on myself at times. I am a perfectionist, and I hear all too clearly all the faults that people see in me, and the wrong they see in who I am. But when I am feeling unworthy of love or affection - I have to stop and remember that I am worthy and that no matter what I do or dont do for myself or for others, I am still valuable and I am still worthy of people caring for me and treating me correctly.

As it was said in our meeting last week, we teach others how to treat us. 

And this is a shift we need to make in our lives.

We need to retrain others on a new way of how to value and how to treat us.

And we need to retrain ourselves on how to treat ourselves and value ourselves.

And one of the first steps is spending time with myself and on myself. Working on my steps, working on retraining my thought patterns and retraining my brain - and listening.