Surrender - Spending the time with ourselves

Good Afternoon Friends, 

LAST WEEK:

Last week we talked about Steps 1 - 3, and about letting go of our obsessions, our fears, our pasts, our futures and turning all these things over to our higher power. 

SURRENDER:

Through the processes of Steps 1 - 3 we learn that we are powerless, we learn that there is a higher power that is able and willing to be there for us and to help us through all these twists and turns and uphill battles and we begin to accept this and learn to surrender all that we have been holding so tightly onto for control and security, to our higher power. We begin to understand that our higher power cares deeply us and our well-being, and that there is a great value in us. 

We begin the walk of surrendering each moment, each thing, each worry, each trial over to our higher power. We begin to understand that in order to walk forward in a healthy space, we must spend time with ourselves, and we must spend time with our higher power. 

SPENDING TIME WITH OURSELVES:

Spending time on yourself is sometimes a hard habit to begin. It seems selfish maybe and unproductive. Sometimes I think that I am wasting so much time that I could be "doing" things. But its important for me to remember that doing the me time, spending time journaling, spending time talking things over with God, spending time LISTENING and meditating is PRODUCTIVE DOING!

And it should be part of my calendar my schedule and my responsibilities EVERY DAY.

Over this Holiday Weekend, there were so many things that I had to do and people that were scheduled into my days, that on Sunday and Monday I did not spend the me time. Now, that did not mean that Sunday and Monday were dreary or sad days, but you know what it did mean? That my worries on Monday night before I went to bed, and this morning when I got up, were way too much than I could handle. I was future worrying, I was past grieving, I was thinking about things that I had already surrendered... My "surrender muscle" was beginning to atrophy.. I was not spending the time. 

In order to make surrender work, in order to have the relaxed faith needed to apply surrender, we have to work out the muscle. We have to practice surrender, we have to practice forgiveness of ourselves and others, we have to spend time with ourselves and becoming comfortable in a relationship to our higher power. We wont want to surrender our stuff, and our will over to a higher power that we do not know. 

Work the muscle. Spend the moments. 

Schedule the little bits of time with yourself, your book, your journal and your higher power. 

 Have a wonderful day, and think about something you are grateful for in this day. 

Peace be with you,

Emily

When do I violate the Boundaries of Others?

When do I violate the boundaries of others? 

I used the example I had of always giving my son (who is 18) money when he asks, whether its for gas, outings, meals, shopping etc. Although he is still in high school and graduates this year, I have not respected the boundary of where I end and where he begins, and as a result have caused him harm by delaying his development of managing his own finances and spending habits.

Why did I do this? I compensate for something in me, and maybe in my relationship with him, when I act as his rescuer, even when he does not need it.

When someone in my life is having a crisis, or someone I know is having a run-in with addiction problems, I have a tendency to race in as the Saviour, the helper, the rescuer, even when it is not my place, even when they should be learning to pick up the pieces themselves. Or I try to be the volunteer of helping someone clean up their yard (the boundary metaphor) even when I have not been asked to do so, so that they will think I am valuable and worthy and will accept me.

The question was brought up - How do we know when we are acting healthy in our relationships and responsibilities to others and when we are enabling or violating boundaries? 

By working the steps, and beginning and continuing the focus on steps 1,2 & 3 in our daily lives we become more in tune with our intuition, our still small voice, our connection with our higher power. Our intuition and instincts will begin to speak to us and let us know when we are crossing over the line and doing something that we should not - crossing the boundaries of others or allowing others to cross our boundaries. 

How do we begin this change in our closest relationships? We talked about sitting down with  family, friends and most significant others and letting them know that " I am working on establishing healthy boundaries for myself, and I want to discuss that with you and how that may effect change in our relationship."  In relationships where there has been a lot of boundary violations, a contract may be necessary between you and someone else to state clearly and precisely for each party what to expect in the future. By writing it down, we have something to reflect back on, and we are not able to rationalize bad behavior either by us or others. 

It was also mentioned that "setting proper expectations" with family, friends and co-workers is always a good policy. This helps in knowing what you can expect, and what others can expect from you.

My reflection for the week:

My week was very difficult, and I had to surrender to my higher power about 20 different times as I walked through some hard things. But my week was joyful too. I found out that people in my life who I thought were weaker, or dependent on me,  were much stronger than I gave them credit for. I found out that I CAN rely on others, and that I myself am pretty strong too. 

I renewed my daily reminder of powerlessness, and relaxing into the path of my life, to stop resisting the hard change and the hard lessons and go willingly where the white rapid river takes me. 

I remembered that I am not alone even when I am sitting all by myself. 

Personal Boundaries - working the Steps of Codependent Recovery

Good Morning All, 

I wanted to touch base this week before our meeting tomorrow. Last week we had a couple of new comers and a wonderful conversation about the 12 steps in Daily Living as well as

BOUNDARIES: while continuing to process what is needed of us in Step Four. 

Taking a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and our lives.

We talked again about the goodness in us, and not to get side tracked by finding only fault and wrongdoings, or be over burdened by guilt.

Part of this process is learning where you may have crossed important boundaries for yourself or others, and by doing so may have caused harm, to yourself or others.

Boundaries have been an important part of our discussion over the last month - and we will continue to talk about it.

But I encourage you to get the Boundaries Book by Dr Cloud and discover some of these amazing techniques he offers for yourself,

So, I have made a commitment to not worry about cleaning up or straightening anyone else's yard for the time being.

 until I have a better handle on boundaries in my life right now as they are, and what I would like them to be.

Guilt is a huge factor for me in making decisions that are unhealthy and wrong for me, and others.

I shoot from the hip and make quick often wrong decisions, so that others do not feel badly, and in order to avoid conflict.

I shelter others with means that I really do not have, and it can be detrimental to myself and them.

I do not weigh the consequences thoroughly before acting, and make stupid mistakes that I know well are not what I should have done, when I look back on them,

Why do I do this? 

Why do I make bad decisions when others are involved? Whether it be, money, hardship, activities, responsibilities, boundaries.....

One of the things I have uncovered is that I do not want people to be unduely burdened because of me. I do not want to ask people for help, I dont want people to think I am a failure

I want to be accepted and thought well of. I want to avoid conflict, and hurting others or making them angry. 

I am constantly noting my feelings of not being valuable enough just how I am, warts and all. 

I am critical of myself, and internally feel like I do not measure up. 

I dont want my kids to feel like this ever, so I overcompensate for them and their needs. I enable them always. I shelter them and spoil them. 

I feel guilty of my shortcomings as a parent and try to make up for these things - over and over. 

I dont want to burden my husband with problems, or stresses, and so I dont tell him things that are going on, or stresses or fears that I have. I am afraid of conflict in our relationship and so I avoid it. 

I dont often call upon my friends or family members when I need something, until its a crisis.

I can dig deep holes for myself... and then labor intensely by myself without asking for help. Eventhough I know that people need help, and I am the first to offer it others in their struggles and hard times.

I often forget that others can ease my burden. 

I often forget that others want to help me too. 

I dont know how to let others help me, and maybe I dont even know how to let God Help me.

Maybe I am feeling like I am not worthy of His help. 

So.... I go back to the first 3 steps.

I am powerless. I cannot do everything - or anything.

I must believe in the power greater than myself. And that the love that is there, and the power that is there, is also there for me.

I must be willing to turn my will and my direction/path and life over to this power and stop resisting the struggle. I must surrender to this power greater than myself that can truly help me. 

In order to learn how to rely on others, I must first learn to rely on him. Blindly, with open arms and willingness to go through whatever he has for me. 

With the faith that his perfect plan will get me to a place of wonder and beauty that I can never get to on my own, even if the path to that place is thorny, rough and painful.

What is Codependency?

The term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, researchers revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, you’re likely codependent.

Don’t feel bad if that includes you. Most American families are dysfunctional. You’re in the majority!

Researchers also found that codependent symptoms got worse if left untreated. The good news is that they’re reversible.

Following is a list of symptoms of codependents. You needn’t have them all to qualify as codependent.

• Low self-esteem.Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.
• People-pleasing. It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
• Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.
• Reactivity. A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.
• Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.
• Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.
• Dysfunctional communication. Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.
• Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.”Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.
• Dependency. Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.
• Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.
• Problems with intimacy. By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.
• Painful emotions. Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

There is help for recovery and change. The first step is getting guidance and support. These symptoms are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to identify and change on your own. Join a 12-Step program, such as Codependents Anonymous or seek counseling. Work on becoming more assertive and building your self-esteem.