No Strings Attached - Image that.. - HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS JUST BECAUSE

Learning to take care of myself has been one of the hardest and ongoing battles that I have had in my life. Even daily things, like dressing and getting ready to go out in the world have been done in the past for the wrong reasons. 

I wanted to be liked. 

I wanted to be thought of well by others.

Did this mean that the clothes or styles or ways I prepared myself to leave my house were done for the purpose of being liked by other people? Yes oft times it did. And coming to terms with that was difficult. Over the past year, I have had to learn to like myself, plainly as me. I have had to begin the process of learning who I was without any worldly definitions or identities on myself. 

Who am I  - without a label? Who am I without what I do for a living as a career? 

Who am I - without my title as mother, daughter, friend, wife to others? 

Who am I when all those identities are stripped away from me? And where is my value?

Learning that I was valuable just because I exist was a difficult concept. If I don't do anything for anyone, and I just sit here, I am still valuable. Learning that not everyone weighs their value by what other people think of them , or how others value them, total new concept for me. 

That I should be able to have meaningful relationships with others without doing things for them, or their lives. What? That happens? Other people live like that and with that expectation?

Hard to change that part of me.

And the guilt. The guilt that if I did not do something for someone else, or I wasn't available for someone else when they needed me.. was overwhelming and controlling my life. If one of my children was feeling bad, or my husband was mad or upset, or a friend was having a hard time, if I didn't jump in to help and do things to ease the situation, I felt so guilty and could not function. 

I automatically feel that others' problems, and burdens and discomforts are mine to resolve. It is my responsibility to always be the helping hand. 

But do I feel that others should be helping me and should automatically feel the need to jump in help me? No i don't. I know that I have to stand on my own two feet and I try not to count on others to help me. I don't even ask for help - instead I keep everything about me and how I feel bottled up - until I explode from time to time because the burdens become too great to bare, and the loneliness is too much to handle. 

SO how do I counter the loneliness?  I make myself useful, or needed in the life of another. So they will think I am worthy of spending time with. 

And when I do and do and do for them.... and they don't reciprocate by spending time with me and being someone that is in my day to day life - I feel betrayed and let down. Although, they may not have wanted all that I did for them. It was nice, but they didn't ask me. And they may not understand my expectation in return and just think of me as kind of needy and obsessive. 

So I have had to develop the skill of being okay and being good at being alone.

I have had to learn that by doing things in others lives, does not mean that they will be an intimate part of my life. 

And that relationships with others, family, friends and significant others should not and do not depend on what I have done for them lately, or what I will do for them in the future. 

Healthy relationships exist because both persons care about the other, just because they exist and they get along, and because they like to spend time with another. Not because they do things for each other or solve each others problems. 

So in my commitment to not DO for others this year... I am beginning to see that I am valuable to others just because they like me. Not because I do anything. And for some.. they have moved on. And they may have been painful, but now I realize they were in my life for unhealthy reasons.

And by doing nothing

Just by breathing 

I am learning how to have relationships with others with no strings attached. 

Imagine that.....

The Battle with Self Pity

In conversations that I have been having with others, myself and especially with God, I have been reminded a few things:

It is okay when we do our meditations, our book work, our journaling or our prayers to ask WHY? To say "is anyone listening?" and to acknowledge how lonely we feel.

What is not good or healthy for us is to get stuck there. 

I can't get stuck in the WHY ME? pity party. I can't get stuck in the continual rumination of how unfair all this is.

I must press on - if only with what I can do for today.

I must turn to the step work in my head. I must remember my "powerless" commitment and stop holding on to things I cannot change.

Sometimes thats the past. I think about the past and the stupid stupid things I have done.. and I think about why and wish that I hadnt acted in that way.

Or I think about the way others have hurt me - and I am so mad, and yet I also feel so stupid. 

I think about the ways I allowed others to mistreat me or the ways I acted that mistreated myself...

AND I JUST FEEL BAD....

I must then remind myself that I am powerless over the past. 

The past of me

The past of others

The past actions

The past inactions

I have to surrender my feelings of the past - and any thoughts I have that distract me or hold me down about the past to my higher power.

I must let go of this and let my higher power deal with these emotions, and help me to heal.

I must focus on my day at hand. I must work the steps.

I must spend my time on my, and my meditation, my reading, my reflection.

I must spend my spiritual time for that is the only thing that will help to get better. That is the only thing that will create the habit of leaning on my higher power and not feeling lonely or lost. 

The power of teaching ourselves mindfulness is limitless. Mindfulness is:

1. 1.

   the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

   "their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
2. 2.

   a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

So - breathing is a way to get myself to be mindful of my breath - and not focus on anything else for the time being.

Watching the nature or the people around me - carefully observing the beauty, the actions, the colors - all that my senses are taking in - is mindful of the moment - and it takes my mind away from frantic behavior.

Gratitude prayers about today - and what I have - is mindfulness. Being mindful of all that is around me. my clothes, my house, my food, my ability to walk, breathe, talk, think, bathe, stretch, listen, sing, hum, read... and much more. 

So today - just for today :-) I am going to try to practice mindfulness - and God/Universe awareness. 

So that I see in all that is around me today - its presence, beauty and its uniqueness.

I am powerless of what others try to do to me.

I am powerless of what others do to themselves.

I am powerless over my co workers, and my employment. (to some extent) 

But I know what is not powerless over those things.

I am powerless over the past.

But I know what power can heal me from the wounds the past has left in me.

I am powerless over what tomorrow may have in store for me or my family.

But I am in touch with a power, I am close with a power, that is not powerless over tomorrow 

and I will leave that there, with that power... for that moment in the future.

We are all warriors! I look forward to your comments.

Valuing myself

You are encouraged to read through the 12 Steps for CoDA everyday as you begin this journey in order to become familiar with the steps and what the path looks like as we develop the necessary tools to have healthy relationships. We use the workbook for Codependent No More as a tool in our group to help walk us through the twelve steps. 

page 67

"I learned that no matter what mountains appeared in my path, a way would be made for me to go over, through, or around them, and usually I'd climb to the top. For whatever problems I had, the solutions I needed also appeared."

As we learn to let go of holding on to control so tightly, and learn to listen and relax, we learn to be okay with where we are, and what we must conquer, endure and get through. Our group is a safe place to share, to listen and to receive support and information. No matter what we are going through, we are accepted, valued and supported. 

Self love is an important part of this journey. Learning to love myself, my habits, my circumstances, my feelings, my life just as it is. Knowing that I am valuable and I am lovable - not for the things that I do, but just because I am. Just because I exist. 

Its hard. I am so hard on myself at times. I am a perfectionist, and I hear all too clearly all the faults that people see in me, and the wrong they see in who I am. But when I am feeling unworthy of love or affection - I have to stop and remember that I am worthy and that no matter what I do or dont do for myself or for others, I am still valuable and I am still worthy of people caring for me and treating me correctly.

As it was said in our meeting last week, we teach others how to treat us. 

And this is a shift we need to make in our lives.

We need to retrain others on a new way of how to value and how to treat us.

And we need to retrain ourselves on how to treat ourselves and value ourselves.

And one of the first steps is spending time with myself and on myself. Working on my steps, working on retraining my thought patterns and retraining my brain - and listening.

Surrender - Spending the time with ourselves

Good Afternoon Friends, 

LAST WEEK:

Last week we talked about Steps 1 - 3, and about letting go of our obsessions, our fears, our pasts, our futures and turning all these things over to our higher power. 

SURRENDER:

Through the processes of Steps 1 - 3 we learn that we are powerless, we learn that there is a higher power that is able and willing to be there for us and to help us through all these twists and turns and uphill battles and we begin to accept this and learn to surrender all that we have been holding so tightly onto for control and security, to our higher power. We begin to understand that our higher power cares deeply us and our well-being, and that there is a great value in us. 

We begin the walk of surrendering each moment, each thing, each worry, each trial over to our higher power. We begin to understand that in order to walk forward in a healthy space, we must spend time with ourselves, and we must spend time with our higher power. 

SPENDING TIME WITH OURSELVES:

Spending time on yourself is sometimes a hard habit to begin. It seems selfish maybe and unproductive. Sometimes I think that I am wasting so much time that I could be "doing" things. But its important for me to remember that doing the me time, spending time journaling, spending time talking things over with God, spending time LISTENING and meditating is PRODUCTIVE DOING!

And it should be part of my calendar my schedule and my responsibilities EVERY DAY.

Over this Holiday Weekend, there were so many things that I had to do and people that were scheduled into my days, that on Sunday and Monday I did not spend the me time. Now, that did not mean that Sunday and Monday were dreary or sad days, but you know what it did mean? That my worries on Monday night before I went to bed, and this morning when I got up, were way too much than I could handle. I was future worrying, I was past grieving, I was thinking about things that I had already surrendered... My "surrender muscle" was beginning to atrophy.. I was not spending the time. 

In order to make surrender work, in order to have the relaxed faith needed to apply surrender, we have to work out the muscle. We have to practice surrender, we have to practice forgiveness of ourselves and others, we have to spend time with ourselves and becoming comfortable in a relationship to our higher power. We wont want to surrender our stuff, and our will over to a higher power that we do not know. 

Work the muscle. Spend the moments. 

Schedule the little bits of time with yourself, your book, your journal and your higher power. 

 Have a wonderful day, and think about something you are grateful for in this day. 

Peace be with you,

Emily

When do I violate the Boundaries of Others?

When do I violate the boundaries of others? 

I used the example I had of always giving my son (who is 18) money when he asks, whether its for gas, outings, meals, shopping etc. Although he is still in high school and graduates this year, I have not respected the boundary of where I end and where he begins, and as a result have caused him harm by delaying his development of managing his own finances and spending habits.

Why did I do this? I compensate for something in me, and maybe in my relationship with him, when I act as his rescuer, even when he does not need it.

When someone in my life is having a crisis, or someone I know is having a run-in with addiction problems, I have a tendency to race in as the Saviour, the helper, the rescuer, even when it is not my place, even when they should be learning to pick up the pieces themselves. Or I try to be the volunteer of helping someone clean up their yard (the boundary metaphor) even when I have not been asked to do so, so that they will think I am valuable and worthy and will accept me.

The question was brought up - How do we know when we are acting healthy in our relationships and responsibilities to others and when we are enabling or violating boundaries? 

By working the steps, and beginning and continuing the focus on steps 1,2 & 3 in our daily lives we become more in tune with our intuition, our still small voice, our connection with our higher power. Our intuition and instincts will begin to speak to us and let us know when we are crossing over the line and doing something that we should not - crossing the boundaries of others or allowing others to cross our boundaries. 

How do we begin this change in our closest relationships? We talked about sitting down with  family, friends and most significant others and letting them know that " I am working on establishing healthy boundaries for myself, and I want to discuss that with you and how that may effect change in our relationship."  In relationships where there has been a lot of boundary violations, a contract may be necessary between you and someone else to state clearly and precisely for each party what to expect in the future. By writing it down, we have something to reflect back on, and we are not able to rationalize bad behavior either by us or others. 

It was also mentioned that "setting proper expectations" with family, friends and co-workers is always a good policy. This helps in knowing what you can expect, and what others can expect from you.

My reflection for the week:

My week was very difficult, and I had to surrender to my higher power about 20 different times as I walked through some hard things. But my week was joyful too. I found out that people in my life who I thought were weaker, or dependent on me,  were much stronger than I gave them credit for. I found out that I CAN rely on others, and that I myself am pretty strong too. 

I renewed my daily reminder of powerlessness, and relaxing into the path of my life, to stop resisting the hard change and the hard lessons and go willingly where the white rapid river takes me. 

I remembered that I am not alone even when I am sitting all by myself. 

Personal Boundaries - working the Steps of Codependent Recovery

Good Morning All, 

I wanted to touch base this week before our meeting tomorrow. Last week we had a couple of new comers and a wonderful conversation about the 12 steps in Daily Living as well as

BOUNDARIES: while continuing to process what is needed of us in Step Four. 

Taking a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and our lives.

We talked again about the goodness in us, and not to get side tracked by finding only fault and wrongdoings, or be over burdened by guilt.

Part of this process is learning where you may have crossed important boundaries for yourself or others, and by doing so may have caused harm, to yourself or others.

Boundaries have been an important part of our discussion over the last month - and we will continue to talk about it.

But I encourage you to get the Boundaries Book by Dr Cloud and discover some of these amazing techniques he offers for yourself,

So, I have made a commitment to not worry about cleaning up or straightening anyone else's yard for the time being.

 until I have a better handle on boundaries in my life right now as they are, and what I would like them to be.

Guilt is a huge factor for me in making decisions that are unhealthy and wrong for me, and others.

I shoot from the hip and make quick often wrong decisions, so that others do not feel badly, and in order to avoid conflict.

I shelter others with means that I really do not have, and it can be detrimental to myself and them.

I do not weigh the consequences thoroughly before acting, and make stupid mistakes that I know well are not what I should have done, when I look back on them,

Why do I do this? 

Why do I make bad decisions when others are involved? Whether it be, money, hardship, activities, responsibilities, boundaries.....

One of the things I have uncovered is that I do not want people to be unduely burdened because of me. I do not want to ask people for help, I dont want people to think I am a failure

I want to be accepted and thought well of. I want to avoid conflict, and hurting others or making them angry. 

I am constantly noting my feelings of not being valuable enough just how I am, warts and all. 

I am critical of myself, and internally feel like I do not measure up. 

I dont want my kids to feel like this ever, so I overcompensate for them and their needs. I enable them always. I shelter them and spoil them. 

I feel guilty of my shortcomings as a parent and try to make up for these things - over and over. 

I dont want to burden my husband with problems, or stresses, and so I dont tell him things that are going on, or stresses or fears that I have. I am afraid of conflict in our relationship and so I avoid it. 

I dont often call upon my friends or family members when I need something, until its a crisis.

I can dig deep holes for myself... and then labor intensely by myself without asking for help. Eventhough I know that people need help, and I am the first to offer it others in their struggles and hard times.

I often forget that others can ease my burden. 

I often forget that others want to help me too. 

I dont know how to let others help me, and maybe I dont even know how to let God Help me.

Maybe I am feeling like I am not worthy of His help. 

So.... I go back to the first 3 steps.

I am powerless. I cannot do everything - or anything.

I must believe in the power greater than myself. And that the love that is there, and the power that is there, is also there for me.

I must be willing to turn my will and my direction/path and life over to this power and stop resisting the struggle. I must surrender to this power greater than myself that can truly help me. 

In order to learn how to rely on others, I must first learn to rely on him. Blindly, with open arms and willingness to go through whatever he has for me. 

With the faith that his perfect plan will get me to a place of wonder and beauty that I can never get to on my own, even if the path to that place is thorny, rough and painful.

What is Codependency?

The term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, researchers revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, you’re likely codependent.

Don’t feel bad if that includes you. Most American families are dysfunctional. You’re in the majority!

Researchers also found that codependent symptoms got worse if left untreated. The good news is that they’re reversible.

Following is a list of symptoms of codependents. You needn’t have them all to qualify as codependent.

• Low self-esteem.Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.
• People-pleasing. It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
• Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.
• Reactivity. A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.
• Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.
• Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.
• Dysfunctional communication. Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.
• Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.”Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.
• Dependency. Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.
• Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.
• Problems with intimacy. By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.
• Painful emotions. Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

There is help for recovery and change. The first step is getting guidance and support. These symptoms are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to identify and change on your own. Join a 12-Step program, such as Codependents Anonymous or seek counseling. Work on becoming more assertive and building your self-esteem.