Powerlessness - Illuminating my path

We had a great week last week - and welcomed a few new folks to our meeting! It was great. We missed those of you who could not be there, but we hope to see you this Wed.

We talked mostly about the first 3 steps and how we move into this journey by first understanding that we have come to CODA because our life, or situations in our life, have become unmanagable.

We have entered into a place where we don't know what to do next, and are arms are lifted in exasperation for a hope of relief.

POWERLESSNESS:

First of all - Welcome to that great place of knowing that you can't fix it.

We are powerless over our lives, our selves and others. And we must admit that we are powerless.

We cant fix it.

For me, there is great power and serenity in remembering that I can't fix it.

Like we discussed this past week, knowing that I can't fix it releases me from the responsibility to fix it, and to fix others. I am powerless. I cant do it. 

KNOWING A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF:

Next is a step of faith - and learning to be friends with and begin to understand a higher power. 

A power greater than yourself.

This can be difficult if you have not considered a higher power in your life before.

I encourage you to read about faith, and to explore the many different aspects of faith and power out there. If you are interested in attending church, I encourage you to do so. If you find yourself curious about other types of faiths around the world, I encourage you to read about them, visit temples, mosques, meditation centers, libraries. Begin the quest of knowing who your higher power is for you... and spend time with yourself contemplating the idea that there is power greater than yourself that makes the world and the universe go round.. you now need to lean into that and find that for yourself.

FOR ME, THIS WEEK I HAD TO BE REMINDED ABOUT "only enough for today":

This week for me I had a great image given to me by my reading. I struggle with wanting to know what is going to happen with all the good and bad things that are going on in my life now. I want to know what is around the corner and what is in store for this week, this month, this year. I want to be given security in knowing that there is a plan of action and a method for handling what the future holds. 

If I am truly giving myself, my life, my future, MY WILL over to God. Then knowing what is around the corner of today, tomorrow, next week etc is not important. 

My reading told me this:

           Your path will be illuminated. I will shine my light for you and lift you from the darkness.

                     But your path will be illuminated enough for you to see today, enough for you to get through today.

                     Dont worry that there will not be light for tomorrow, or that tomorrow will be too difficult

                     For when tomorrow comes, I will illuminate your path again. You will not be left in darkness, ever.

So, today - my path is lit. 

I am able to move forward through what I am given. And if worries of what the future holds sneak into my thoughts, I remind myself GOD IS IN CONTROL

I say a quick "hello" to the Holy Spirit who is with me. I remember how grateful I am that I am not alone, and I say "thank you"

And I say - THY WILL BE DONE.

And then I move on.

That has helped me lean into the unknown and be more comfortable in the groundlessness state that I find myself in.

Step 4 - and beginning our Moral and Spiritual Inventory

Last week we talked a little about Step 4 - and beginning our Moral and Spiritual Inventory and how that looks.

We reviewed the table in the workbook that asks us to list emotions, beliefs and behaviors that we experience that are negative, and try to think of the first instance in our life where we remember feeling this, and how this manifests in our life today.

I started by making the table that she describes in this book, and brainstorming on the negative emotions, behaviors and beliefs that I have. I then skipped to column 4 and rated each of these on the pain scale of 1 -10.

This gave a good idea of prioritizing for me. 

So I think then that I will look at the present, how this is manifesting in my life now, and then continue to search on the origin of this in my life.

We also talked about spending sometime in silence each day. Like quiet meditation - where you sit, with no music, not activity and no people around. 

Trying to quiet your mind and thoughts, and listen to what the Universe, your higher power etc are telling you... spending time in listening mode with our higher power is essential.

How do you do this.... and this seems hard were some comments on this silent part of each day.

Really you want to be still, be silent and let God talk to you.

The best way is to find a quiet and private alone spot where you will not have any interruptions, and turn off your phone.

Then close your eyes and begin to focus on your breathing.

Counting slowing as you inhale to 5

and counting slowly as your exhale as high as you can count.

Then again.

Focusing on how the breathing feeling, how it sounds, what your lungs are doing when you inhale and exhale.

When you find your mind wandering - gently bring it back to focusing on your breathing.

We also talked more about the frenzy that our minds can bring us to when we are worrying or we are in fear, or anguish over life or personal relationships.

We are to continually remind ourselves that we are powerless and that GOD IS IN CONTROL.

We should find security in the fact that a power so much greater than ourselves is in control of our concerns and our life, because we know then it is in very capable and trustworthy hands.

Are you having trouble giving power and control over in a particular area or relationship in your life? 

Are struggling with holding on to the stress and the pain that comes with this?

Imagine yourself holding tightly to this area of your life. This thing, this relationship. HOLD TIGHT AND SQUEEZE your hands together tightly.

Then open your hands, and see the problem leave your grasp - and fade into the air - for God to handle and control.

This is a great mental image for releasing our tight grasp - and giving our struggle away.

Continuing Forward and Working the Steps - Step 4 and Step 5

I have been looking at Step 4 in the book, and beginning the chart of the Inventory.

I will say that the first couple of times that I have begun this process, the emotions that I must review and list come crashing to the surface so intensely that I have to stop.

I can only give it about 20 minutes in a sitting.

There are some great videos online of people walking through the 4th and 5th Steps. They were very interesting to watch.

Here is one that is just words on the screen set to music that I really enjoyed. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJ51kx1TZAM

We are to find someone we trust to help us go through STEP 5. I have a few recommendations for people when this comes up for your step process.

I have to say that in this new year, I have no resolutions. I am just hoping to make it through with a healthy attitude, courageous heart and learning mind.

I am glad to have this group and to have been through Steps 1 - 3 before the new year began

So maybe one resolution:

That I will continue to remember that I am powerless, and that the only way to come back to a life of sanity and to have any semblance of a manageable life, 

I must give my will completely over to Him and that my will must be HIS WILL.

I must LET Go and LET GOD each day, and in every way. 

Moment by Moment

Moment by Moment - Remembering the Surrender

In my reflection this week, I have been able to do a little better at remembering I am powerless, and rely fully on the power and strength of God.

I have been much more calm this week - and I am having a much easier time staying present in the day I have been given rather than worrying about what tomorrow brings.

I am struggling with the helping, giving, and assisting hiatus that I am on - because the book told me I needed to until I am in a healthier state of mind.

I am not sure where that begins... like with my children, husband, friends etc. 

So its another moment by moment thing.

What I know is that the actions that I take today - and my reactions today - will have an effect on my tomorrow.

If I remain calm, and remind myself that God is control - that will help my whole process today - and bring a better tomorrow.

I also remember that anytime I have been trying to hold onto control and fall into my survival patterns, I make bad choices and end up hurting myself and maybe even others. 

So

I remind myself that I am powerless

But God is in control, and he loves me!

And he wants what is best for me. 

And just like me, he loves my children, my family, my friends.

And he wants what is best for them too. 

Its not all up to me, to care for and worry about them.

God has it all under control if I would just let go.

I breathe in and I breathe out a few times.

And tell him THANK YOU. 

And then motion on in my world.

Sometimes we can work the Steps in "Clumps"

Last week we talked about where each of us in the 12 Steps, somewhere between Step 1 and Step 3.

We talked about how we can do the steps in clumps, rather than one at a time. And that we can revisit as step anytime.

I am always in a circle from Step one - admitting I am powerless, to remembering that God can restore and maintain my sanity, and then turning my life over to God.

I need to choose a designer for my life, and so far, under my design pattern, there are major problems and road blocks and detours.

I need to choose as my designer.

I need to know that the demons that I battle (or tangle with as the book says) are more powerful me, and I cannot handle them alone, successfully.

I must turn them over to God. I must admit I am powerless over each problem, worry, struggle as I face it, and turn it over to him.

I must remember to do this for today.

Today - I give my life and my will over to him.

Today - I cannot manage and so I leave it to him.

Today - I cannot handle the stress and so I leave the solutions to him to work out. 

Today - I struggle with finances, there are no new answers, and I give it him to work out.

Today  - I cannot bare the burden of my husband's actions or behaviors or word, I give him to God too. For me, I am worried about the health consequences of his actions. But I am powerless.

Tomorrow - maybe I will do different but for Today this is what I will do.

The activity on page 73 talks about coming up with a routine or ritual for this daily process in my life. 

Turning my life over to him, daily - for today.

I am still struggling with the question "what does it mean to take care of myself the best I can". So I am giving that to him too.

I hope that you are all doing well and that your week has been blessed. 

I pray that you are getting rest and that you are able to find the time to work the lessons slowly - and write in your journal, and think about how you are treating yourself.