My struggle with Codependency -PART 1

Codependency has been a defining factor in my life long before I even knew what it was.
It caused me to get off track in life goals and in knowing what was best for myself. Codependency was blinding, and dark, and until the madness and chaos got so bad in my life, I had no idea that what I was doing was unhealthy, or that there was a way to get my life back on track.

How did Codependency manifest in my life?

Through relationships as a teenager at first. I was always in need to be validated by my peers, my friends, my church, my school mates, and my family. This was a deep focus of mine and overtook my sense of responsibility to myself, my family and others. Decisions that I would make as a teenager and young adult were illogical and out of balance. But, at that the root of my decisions and actions sat the unquenched desire to be valuable to others, approved of by others, and loved by others.

What did I do?

Although I am very smart, I sacrificed my schooling and academic success to have intimate relationships. My focus from about 16 years old was to be needed and loved in someone's life, a boyfriend. I learned a lot about the world in this decision making whirl-win that I was in. I missed classes in college, eventually dropping out my freshman year because I was pregnant. I did not care, it did not devastate me. All I wanted was the fantasy of having a meaningful, loving relationship with that special someone. The someone that I was connected with at the time, was broken in his own way. He came from a dysfunctional family, and his mom's new husband was abusive and frequently involved in criminal activities. He was someone who loved to go to parties, and loved to drink. I did not think anything bad about this, I just thought it was normal young adult or teen age behavior. I did not know the extent to which he was involved in drinking and that it would eventually lead us to a place that I could not be in.

Because of his alcohol abuse and angry behavior I moved back home with my parents with my son, who was a baby. I stayed there for a couple of years. But still, the hunger inside me to be loved, to be wanted to be accepted and to be needed was overpowering. I made decisions that brought me close to people who were also like me. We spent a lot of time in bars and having fun. My parents helped me a lot. I was working and being a single mom, but I was also having a lot of help. Within two years, and after dating a lot of people, I met someone who I could cling onto. He resisted some, but he liked hanging with me, and he had a severe need for me. He was discombombulated and emotional. He needed help getting things done in his daily life and boy was I the person for the job. I could help him with finding housing, with finding a car, with finding a job... and when he was mean or inconsiterate of my feelings, I would be sad, I would be mad, but I would forgive and jump back in. It was not until about 1 year into our relationship that I found out he was a drug addict. But, did that scare me away? No way! I could help him, I could support him. I could see his potential and his intelligence and I could help him to be all he ever could be.

I hang on. For 10 years. 10 years full of ups and downs, and rehabs and interventions. 10 years of moving and him losing jobs. 10 years of supporting us, and my son. And then eventually our son together and our daughter. 10 years of trying to fix, trying to save and trying not to lose my mind.

And in the middle of that 10 years, at my deepest low - a Pastor at Church told me that I should attend a codependent support group. Al-Anon or something like that and that I should read a book called CoDependent No More.
UGH!
I read some of the book - I threw the book.
I tried to read some of that book again! I threw the book. I hated that book!
It wasnt me that wasnt me IT WAS NOT ME!

it was me

but why? I did not come from a family that was dysfunctional, I never suffered from abuse as a child, and now I was allowing myself to be abused. . I had a loving family...and  a supportive family... what made me a codependent? and I was a severe codependent!

Moral Inventory - Looking at my positive assets

Last week we had a great discussion on pg 90 in the workbook - Looking at my Positive Assets

This is a part of the moral inventory that helps us remember our good traits, and maintain our balance. 

We talked about making sure that we don't associate our label of ourselves as codependency as negative. The possibility exists that you could 

change your perspective about this, and in seeing your good traits, wear codependency as a badge of honor. 

We are compassionate

Caring

Giving

Loving people. We have many excellent and valuable qualities that make us who we are. 

And a codependents, we share in many of these positive traits. 

Now its true, that our blessings can also be a curse at times, but that is what we are developing tools for - ways to reign in our talents gifts or "special powers" so that they are never harmful to ourselves or others.

We also looked at pg 96 and 97 which is a chart of Incident Origins, beginning to search for the first time that we know we felt a certain way, the actions that led up to it, our feelings about it. 

We had great sharing of some very personal, heart breaking and yet triumphant stories. 

We talked about how through this process we are letting some of the bad stuff go - emptying our cup of this bad stuff a little at a time, so that there is room for the good stuff.

We are recreating ourselves.

This week we will discuss BOUNDARIES

Here is the worksheet and the link to the article I passed out:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/

Worksheet – Boundaries

List some healthy boundaries:

What are some healthy boundaries that you have?

What are boundaries that you have a vague understanding of, or that you understand but cant keep?

Who do you allow to cross your boundaries?

Why do you allow someone to cross your boundaries?

When are boundaries not important?

When are they important?

What is a good internal compass for boundary control?

____________________________

LAST WEEKS DISCUSSION:

From the Workbook – Lesson Five - You’re a Keeper

Pg 90 -  Let’s look at Positive Assets

What are some positive assets, (emotions, beliefs, behaviors, skills) that You possess.

What are some specific examples of these?

Pg  96 – 97

Review the Family of Origin Chart ( another alternative to personal inventory)

Original Incident	Feelings about it	Belief Created	Today’s Behavior

 and Discuss the topic “ Recreating Yourself”

“You are identifying and getting rid of the old things that hold you back to make room for life to deliver good stuff to you”

Powerlessness - Illuminating my path

We had a great week last week - and welcomed a few new folks to our meeting! It was great. We missed those of you who could not be there, but we hope to see you this Wed.

We talked mostly about the first 3 steps and how we move into this journey by first understanding that we have come to CODA because our life, or situations in our life, have become unmanagable.

We have entered into a place where we don't know what to do next, and are arms are lifted in exasperation for a hope of relief.

POWERLESSNESS:

First of all - Welcome to that great place of knowing that you can't fix it.

We are powerless over our lives, our selves and others. And we must admit that we are powerless.

We cant fix it.

For me, there is great power and serenity in remembering that I can't fix it.

Like we discussed this past week, knowing that I can't fix it releases me from the responsibility to fix it, and to fix others. I am powerless. I cant do it. 

KNOWING A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF:

Next is a step of faith - and learning to be friends with and begin to understand a higher power. 

A power greater than yourself.

This can be difficult if you have not considered a higher power in your life before.

I encourage you to read about faith, and to explore the many different aspects of faith and power out there. If you are interested in attending church, I encourage you to do so. If you find yourself curious about other types of faiths around the world, I encourage you to read about them, visit temples, mosques, meditation centers, libraries. Begin the quest of knowing who your higher power is for you... and spend time with yourself contemplating the idea that there is power greater than yourself that makes the world and the universe go round.. you now need to lean into that and find that for yourself.

FOR ME, THIS WEEK I HAD TO BE REMINDED ABOUT "only enough for today":

This week for me I had a great image given to me by my reading. I struggle with wanting to know what is going to happen with all the good and bad things that are going on in my life now. I want to know what is around the corner and what is in store for this week, this month, this year. I want to be given security in knowing that there is a plan of action and a method for handling what the future holds. 

If I am truly giving myself, my life, my future, MY WILL over to God. Then knowing what is around the corner of today, tomorrow, next week etc is not important. 

My reading told me this:

           Your path will be illuminated. I will shine my light for you and lift you from the darkness.

                     But your path will be illuminated enough for you to see today, enough for you to get through today.

                     Dont worry that there will not be light for tomorrow, or that tomorrow will be too difficult

                     For when tomorrow comes, I will illuminate your path again. You will not be left in darkness, ever.

So, today - my path is lit. 

I am able to move forward through what I am given. And if worries of what the future holds sneak into my thoughts, I remind myself GOD IS IN CONTROL

I say a quick "hello" to the Holy Spirit who is with me. I remember how grateful I am that I am not alone, and I say "thank you"

And I say - THY WILL BE DONE.

And then I move on.

That has helped me lean into the unknown and be more comfortable in the groundlessness state that I find myself in.

Step 4 - and beginning our Moral and Spiritual Inventory

Last week we talked a little about Step 4 - and beginning our Moral and Spiritual Inventory and how that looks.

We reviewed the table in the workbook that asks us to list emotions, beliefs and behaviors that we experience that are negative, and try to think of the first instance in our life where we remember feeling this, and how this manifests in our life today.

I started by making the table that she describes in this book, and brainstorming on the negative emotions, behaviors and beliefs that I have. I then skipped to column 4 and rated each of these on the pain scale of 1 -10.

This gave a good idea of prioritizing for me. 

So I think then that I will look at the present, how this is manifesting in my life now, and then continue to search on the origin of this in my life.

We also talked about spending sometime in silence each day. Like quiet meditation - where you sit, with no music, not activity and no people around. 

Trying to quiet your mind and thoughts, and listen to what the Universe, your higher power etc are telling you... spending time in listening mode with our higher power is essential.

How do you do this.... and this seems hard were some comments on this silent part of each day.

Really you want to be still, be silent and let God talk to you.

The best way is to find a quiet and private alone spot where you will not have any interruptions, and turn off your phone.

Then close your eyes and begin to focus on your breathing.

Counting slowing as you inhale to 5

and counting slowly as your exhale as high as you can count.

Then again.

Focusing on how the breathing feeling, how it sounds, what your lungs are doing when you inhale and exhale.

When you find your mind wandering - gently bring it back to focusing on your breathing.

We also talked more about the frenzy that our minds can bring us to when we are worrying or we are in fear, or anguish over life or personal relationships.

We are to continually remind ourselves that we are powerless and that GOD IS IN CONTROL.

We should find security in the fact that a power so much greater than ourselves is in control of our concerns and our life, because we know then it is in very capable and trustworthy hands.

Are you having trouble giving power and control over in a particular area or relationship in your life? 

Are struggling with holding on to the stress and the pain that comes with this?

Imagine yourself holding tightly to this area of your life. This thing, this relationship. HOLD TIGHT AND SQUEEZE your hands together tightly.

Then open your hands, and see the problem leave your grasp - and fade into the air - for God to handle and control.

This is a great mental image for releasing our tight grasp - and giving our struggle away.

Continuing Forward and Working the Steps - Step 4 and Step 5

I have been looking at Step 4 in the book, and beginning the chart of the Inventory.

I will say that the first couple of times that I have begun this process, the emotions that I must review and list come crashing to the surface so intensely that I have to stop.

I can only give it about 20 minutes in a sitting.

There are some great videos online of people walking through the 4th and 5th Steps. They were very interesting to watch.

Here is one that is just words on the screen set to music that I really enjoyed. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JJ51kx1TZAM

We are to find someone we trust to help us go through STEP 5. I have a few recommendations for people when this comes up for your step process.

I have to say that in this new year, I have no resolutions. I am just hoping to make it through with a healthy attitude, courageous heart and learning mind.

I am glad to have this group and to have been through Steps 1 - 3 before the new year began

So maybe one resolution:

That I will continue to remember that I am powerless, and that the only way to come back to a life of sanity and to have any semblance of a manageable life, 

I must give my will completely over to Him and that my will must be HIS WILL.

I must LET Go and LET GOD each day, and in every way. 

Moment by Moment

Moment by Moment - Remembering the Surrender

In my reflection this week, I have been able to do a little better at remembering I am powerless, and rely fully on the power and strength of God.

I have been much more calm this week - and I am having a much easier time staying present in the day I have been given rather than worrying about what tomorrow brings.

I am struggling with the helping, giving, and assisting hiatus that I am on - because the book told me I needed to until I am in a healthier state of mind.

I am not sure where that begins... like with my children, husband, friends etc. 

So its another moment by moment thing.

What I know is that the actions that I take today - and my reactions today - will have an effect on my tomorrow.

If I remain calm, and remind myself that God is control - that will help my whole process today - and bring a better tomorrow.

I also remember that anytime I have been trying to hold onto control and fall into my survival patterns, I make bad choices and end up hurting myself and maybe even others. 

So

I remind myself that I am powerless

But God is in control, and he loves me!

And he wants what is best for me. 

And just like me, he loves my children, my family, my friends.

And he wants what is best for them too. 

Its not all up to me, to care for and worry about them.

God has it all under control if I would just let go.

I breathe in and I breathe out a few times.

And tell him THANK YOU. 

And then motion on in my world.

Sometimes we can work the Steps in "Clumps"

Last week we talked about where each of us in the 12 Steps, somewhere between Step 1 and Step 3.

We talked about how we can do the steps in clumps, rather than one at a time. And that we can revisit as step anytime.

I am always in a circle from Step one - admitting I am powerless, to remembering that God can restore and maintain my sanity, and then turning my life over to God.

I need to choose a designer for my life, and so far, under my design pattern, there are major problems and road blocks and detours.

I need to choose as my designer.

I need to know that the demons that I battle (or tangle with as the book says) are more powerful me, and I cannot handle them alone, successfully.

I must turn them over to God. I must admit I am powerless over each problem, worry, struggle as I face it, and turn it over to him.

I must remember to do this for today.

Today - I give my life and my will over to him.

Today - I cannot manage and so I leave it to him.

Today - I cannot handle the stress and so I leave the solutions to him to work out. 

Today - I struggle with finances, there are no new answers, and I give it him to work out.

Today  - I cannot bare the burden of my husband's actions or behaviors or word, I give him to God too. For me, I am worried about the health consequences of his actions. But I am powerless.

Tomorrow - maybe I will do different but for Today this is what I will do.

The activity on page 73 talks about coming up with a routine or ritual for this daily process in my life. 

Turning my life over to him, daily - for today.

I am still struggling with the question "what does it mean to take care of myself the best I can". So I am giving that to him too.

I hope that you are all doing well and that your week has been blessed. 

I pray that you are getting rest and that you are able to find the time to work the lessons slowly - and write in your journal, and think about how you are treating yourself.