Enmeshment and Boundaries

Our group has been talking about the 4th step, which is creating a fearless moral inventory of ourselves, and for me as I do this I am constantly bombarded by boundaries, or the lack of boundaries in my life and my life history. It is also a good time to go back to that timeline I created of my personal life history, showing all the events in my life that had an impact on who I am today.

So I wanted to talk about enmeshment a little. For me, enmeshment is a big reason about why I make serious hurtful mistakes. Hurtful to myself and hurtful to others. Enmeshment occurs in relationships between people who have not developed their own identities and boundaries. Each person's sense of wholeness and self-worth is intertwined with those of the other person. It is as if there were only one identity, and it is difficult for either to function fully without the other. (CODA BLUE BOOK, pg 114, what is enmeshment?) 

Enmeshment is common among lovers, family members, friends, and care taking situations. An enmeshed relationship does not allow for autonomy, wholeness, or personal empowerment. We cannot focus on ourselves, our higher power, or relationships with others because our focus is overwhelmingly with someone else.

The way we step out of enmeshment is by setting and living with healthy boundaries. We have to keep the focus on ourselves and work to define who we are, what we want and need, and develop our own opinions.

For me, in past relationships, I could not see my life without the other person, and I could not bare it when they were unhappy about anything. I would move mountains and sacrifice anything to make sure that their happiness was taken care of, and that they were pleased. As I look back on it, it wasn't really that I wanted them to be happy, I just didn't want them to be angry, and most of all not angry with me. Also, I wanted them to notice that they were happier because of the things that I was doing and see my value and worth to them in their life. I wanted the security to know that they were happy enough with me to stick with me, happy enough with my value to them that they would love me and be with me.

How do I begin to set healthy boundaries? What does that even look like? and where do I begin?
First and foremost, we begin by starting in this program at getting through an understanding of the first three steps. I don't think that you have to master them, or be really good at them, I think you have to have a basic understanding and acceptance of these steps, as they are the foundation to continued recovery. What are those steps? They are.
1. I have admitted am powerless over others, and that my life has become unmanageable.
2. I came to believe that a power greater than myself could restore me to sanity
3. I made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God, as I understand God.

To remain steadfast in this process, I have to remain true to these steps, and I as I see that I am doing things the old way - I must return to the three steps and repeat them with each life scenario that I face. Then, I begin to look at boundaries. These are the imaginary borders that surround each individual's spirit, energy, behaviors, thoughts and emotions. Boundaries helps ensure our personal safety, comfort and self respect. When boundaries are violated we experience various feelings of discomfort. Boundaries are used for SELF CARE, and to respect others.

Do I know where someone stops and I begin? Do I know where my responsibility ends and theirs begins? What about, what is my business and what is none of my business?

Defining my boundaries is important, and then communicating what my boundaries are to others is also important. We cannot expect people to know what our boundaries are if we do not communicate them.

Getting Ready for Holidays with Uncertainty

The holidays bring about a lot of uneasy feelings for those of us in recovery. Whether its our past behavior or histories that give us apprehension about the events to come during the season, the feelings are there. 

For codependents, not only are we dealing with our history and our emotion but we are dealing with our desire to rescue others from their feelings and their hurt paths, and that can be draining.
So I am writing some food for thought as you embark on this season.

First, THINK OF YOURSELF. THINK OF YOUR SELF CARE and your DUTY TO SELF.
You can do this by writing down exactly what you would like to experience this holiday season. Define it for yourself. Write down 5 -10 things that you would like to do over the next 5 -6 weeks.
These can be events with family, inner personal experiences, events you experience alone. Write them down. Next, look at your calendar and put these events into your schedule, into your plan. If you have to rearrange your calendar, call up your friends or family - do it. Get it done, get it scheduled.

I had to go a step further, I had to also reflect on my feelings about how I want to make the holidays perfect for everyone else except me, and so I miss out on a lot of the fun and togetherness. I have to take my joy from what I see in others, and exhaust myself in the preparation and the delivery of the holiday events and hosting. So I decided to simplify. To do something completely simple for festivities, to dial down the giving and to focus truly on the togetherness. This was great for my self care. If others wanted things a certain way, I asked them to provide that. If they wanted a certain type of food, music or decoration, I asked them to work that out, being thankful for their idea and their contribution. 

Then, I had to let go. I have to let go of holidays in the past that have been painful or hurtful. I have to watch them dissipate into the night air, and I have to be ready for new holidays and new memories. I have to let go my control on the events, the get-togethers and just let them happen as they would without intervention. Let people behave how they do, let people feel how they do, let dinners taste how they do. And be good with whatever may be. 

This holiday season, give the gift of peace and calmness to yourself. Be thankful for your new life in the awareness of codependency and knowing that you do not have to control anything to have it be wonderful, or for others to be joyful and at peace.

Meddling - Rescuing - UGH, cant figure it out!

So I have been battling with pulling stuff back from my higher power, and taking control of it again. I have been battling with needing to be involved in helping and fixing again with everyone that is in my life, and when someone needs my help and I am unable to help or it is very difficult for me to help, I find myself in extreme guilt when I cannot assist them they way they have asked or that I have deemed they need.

What is funny is that I have a double standard for myself. You see, I dont expect that anyone else be held accountable for my responsibilities. And I don't expect anyone to jump in and help on things that I have assigned to myself in other people's lives. And so when help arrives, I habitually turn it down, or deny that person of helping or assisting in how they have offered.

So, this week I tried to STOP helping in every situation of other people that I feel inclined to do. I support with love and encouragement, but that is all. Wow thats hard!

Will people actually still like me if I dont help them in their daily life tasks? I have found that actually yes they will. And certain people will find me less annoying, and less front and center in their business and their lives.

Do I feel guilty? Yep! I sure do. But I am talking myself through that. I am reflecting on what others do in my family and friends circle for others, and for me, and weighing out my non-contribution to these circumstances. I find that most people are not jumping in the middle of others' lives, assisting with every turn. And that it is really good for people to be independent and SOLO on many tasks in life.

I am also trying to accept help more often, and ask for help more often. Wow... not perfectly and not often, but little by little. I am terrible at asking my husband for help with financial or family matters. I just dont want his hard view in my business. I dont want his criticism, and I dont want any conflict. As a result, when things hit the fan, its usually when they have spiraled out of control because I have delayed the inevitable conflict for far too long. Still struggling with this. I don't want to bother other people, or seem weak to other people and so therefore I dont ask for help. I dont ask for emotional support or support in situations, unless I am absolutely desperate.

Ugh! This balance thing is really hard to find, and knowing what is healthy and what is not is also hard. Its really a lesson in boundaries.

My struggle with Codependency -PART 2 - introduction to boundaries

A continuation from PART 1 posted in April 2016......

Finding out about codependency was difficult, and yet it was relieving. I learned that I was not just dysfunctional, bad, crazy or weak. I learned that there was a definite pattern to my behavior and reasons why I thought, felt and acted like I did.

But I still did not know why.

I learned that I was an enabler, and that my need for approval and affection caused me to neglect my beliefs and foundation, and behave in ways that were opposite to what I knew and understand as good behavior.

Creating my Life History or Timeline - What's the benefit of that?

 The benefit comes in peeling back my onion. I have repeated codependent traits and behaviors over and over again in my life. The way that I can overcome the cycle from happening again, is by determining where these behaviors originate from, thereby giving myself insight on my psyche- on my hidden memories and experiences that cause me to now react with codependent behavior. 

So how do I begin? By starting there, at the beginning. Going back to the first part of my life I brainstorm on memories that I have with maybe approximate ages. (see example timeline/history at the bottom)

It is important for me to write down everything that comes to mind, even if its out of order. Its important to not MINIMIZE the significance of anything. See, my trauma shown above is related to loneliness in a couple line items, but someone else might have experienced abuse. While their experience seems more traumatic than mine, my experience had significant impact on me. So just because something is not horrible, does not mean its not important. 

Some say compartmentalizing your life may be easier. For instance, Early Childhood, childhood, Middle School, High school, Young adult, Career experience, Family Experience, etc.

While doing this, your brain will get stumped, your emotions may be triggered, you may have to take a break - but what you will uncover are the sorrows and pains that pull at your subconscious and make you behave in certain protective or defensive ways. We want to identify our lifetime experiences, feelings and behaviors to pinpoint how we avoid, control, manipulate ourselves, other people and circumstances. (Codependents Anonymous, 1995)

Some questions to ask yourself to help trigger events are:

Do you remember times with friends? Which friends? What types of events? 

Do you remember interactions with your parents? When you were little, as you grew up? 

Were there times you remember feeling scared, alone, outcast. ignored, belittled? 

Were there happy times you remember that really were fun, joyful and loving? 

What neglect or abuse did I experience growing up?  Where did I learn to turn my head if it was happening to others? 

Who in my childhood displayed these behaviors or instructed me not to tell or share my feelings about it? 

Where did I learn to control others for my sense of well-being? 

How did I learn that I wasnt good enough or was better than others? 

Where did I learn that having a relationship would make me whole? 

(Codependents Anonymous, 1995)

The Blue Book, Codependents Anonymous, is where I reviewed this information to begin my timeline. My original timeline took about 2 days to do, but then over a few months things were added and more insight came to me as I constantly reviewed my past and my life history. 

Its important to note that we are not doing this to assign blame, and by holding on to blame we react codependently and remain powerless. Our goal is to find the root experiences of our unhealthy behaviors. We also need not blame ourselves. Or seek this process in an effort to figure out what is wrong with us. Through this process we must be reminded that we are valuable and wonderful how we are, and there is nothing wrong with us, only our behavior. 

Its important to list losses we have experienced in our life. And to allow ourselves to grieve these losses. Releasing these feelings in loss releases the energy that drives our codependent behavior. We begin to see that our codependent behavior of manipulation, control, rescuing and avoidance have only left us in despair. (Codependents Anonymous, 1995)

It is important to share our history and our timeline with our sponsor and friends in recovery. As we share, we release the emotions tied with our pain and suffering. Once we share, we can begin to accept our past, and think more positively and act in more healthy ways. 

I also find that praying about this process and sharing the process with my higher power through conversations, meditations and joint thought is so helpful. Learning about that inner presence of the higher power becomes such an anchor in this process and in healing. At times, I have to walk away from my history and just be present in my day - because too much pain or thinking all at once can sabotage my progress. I share with anyone at anytime that I am in a support group - and therapy over codependency. I share that I battle this every day of my life, and that my awareness of it is the only thing that has kept me from the edge. Sharing is powerful as we move through our day. I begin to own this part of me. Accept this part of me. and Happily... deal with this part of me. 

Good luck in Creating your timeline or history. I hope to see comments and conversation starting on the blog below.

No Strings Attached - Image that.. - HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS JUST BECAUSE

Learning to take care of myself has been one of the hardest and ongoing battles that I have had in my life. Even daily things, like dressing and getting ready to go out in the world have been done in the past for the wrong reasons. 

I wanted to be liked. 

I wanted to be thought of well by others.

Did this mean that the clothes or styles or ways I prepared myself to leave my house were done for the purpose of being liked by other people? Yes oft times it did. And coming to terms with that was difficult. Over the past year, I have had to learn to like myself, plainly as me. I have had to begin the process of learning who I was without any worldly definitions or identities on myself. 

Who am I  - without a label? Who am I without what I do for a living as a career? 

Who am I - without my title as mother, daughter, friend, wife to others? 

Who am I when all those identities are stripped away from me? And where is my value?

Learning that I was valuable just because I exist was a difficult concept. If I don't do anything for anyone, and I just sit here, I am still valuable. Learning that not everyone weighs their value by what other people think of them , or how others value them, total new concept for me. 

That I should be able to have meaningful relationships with others without doing things for them, or their lives. What? That happens? Other people live like that and with that expectation?

Hard to change that part of me.

And the guilt. The guilt that if I did not do something for someone else, or I wasn't available for someone else when they needed me.. was overwhelming and controlling my life. If one of my children was feeling bad, or my husband was mad or upset, or a friend was having a hard time, if I didn't jump in to help and do things to ease the situation, I felt so guilty and could not function. 

I automatically feel that others' problems, and burdens and discomforts are mine to resolve. It is my responsibility to always be the helping hand. 

But do I feel that others should be helping me and should automatically feel the need to jump in help me? No i don't. I know that I have to stand on my own two feet and I try not to count on others to help me. I don't even ask for help - instead I keep everything about me and how I feel bottled up - until I explode from time to time because the burdens become too great to bare, and the loneliness is too much to handle. 

SO how do I counter the loneliness?  I make myself useful, or needed in the life of another. So they will think I am worthy of spending time with. 

And when I do and do and do for them.... and they don't reciprocate by spending time with me and being someone that is in my day to day life - I feel betrayed and let down. Although, they may not have wanted all that I did for them. It was nice, but they didn't ask me. And they may not understand my expectation in return and just think of me as kind of needy and obsessive. 

So I have had to develop the skill of being okay and being good at being alone.

I have had to learn that by doing things in others lives, does not mean that they will be an intimate part of my life. 

And that relationships with others, family, friends and significant others should not and do not depend on what I have done for them lately, or what I will do for them in the future. 

Healthy relationships exist because both persons care about the other, just because they exist and they get along, and because they like to spend time with another. Not because they do things for each other or solve each others problems. 

So in my commitment to not DO for others this year... I am beginning to see that I am valuable to others just because they like me. Not because I do anything. And for some.. they have moved on. And they may have been painful, but now I realize they were in my life for unhealthy reasons.

And by doing nothing

Just by breathing 

I am learning how to have relationships with others with no strings attached. 

Imagine that.....

The Battle with Self Pity

In conversations that I have been having with others, myself and especially with God, I have been reminded a few things:

It is okay when we do our meditations, our book work, our journaling or our prayers to ask WHY? To say "is anyone listening?" and to acknowledge how lonely we feel.

What is not good or healthy for us is to get stuck there. 

I can't get stuck in the WHY ME? pity party. I can't get stuck in the continual rumination of how unfair all this is.

I must press on - if only with what I can do for today.

I must turn to the step work in my head. I must remember my "powerless" commitment and stop holding on to things I cannot change.

Sometimes thats the past. I think about the past and the stupid stupid things I have done.. and I think about why and wish that I hadnt acted in that way.

Or I think about the way others have hurt me - and I am so mad, and yet I also feel so stupid. 

I think about the ways I allowed others to mistreat me or the ways I acted that mistreated myself...

AND I JUST FEEL BAD....

I must then remind myself that I am powerless over the past. 

The past of me

The past of others

The past actions

The past inactions

I have to surrender my feelings of the past - and any thoughts I have that distract me or hold me down about the past to my higher power.

I must let go of this and let my higher power deal with these emotions, and help me to heal.

I must focus on my day at hand. I must work the steps.

I must spend my time on my, and my meditation, my reading, my reflection.

I must spend my spiritual time for that is the only thing that will help to get better. That is the only thing that will create the habit of leaning on my higher power and not feeling lonely or lost. 

The power of teaching ourselves mindfulness is limitless. Mindfulness is:

1. 1.

   the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something.

   "their mindfulness of the wider cinematic tradition"
2. 2.

   a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique.

So - breathing is a way to get myself to be mindful of my breath - and not focus on anything else for the time being.

Watching the nature or the people around me - carefully observing the beauty, the actions, the colors - all that my senses are taking in - is mindful of the moment - and it takes my mind away from frantic behavior.

Gratitude prayers about today - and what I have - is mindfulness. Being mindful of all that is around me. my clothes, my house, my food, my ability to walk, breathe, talk, think, bathe, stretch, listen, sing, hum, read... and much more. 

So today - just for today :-) I am going to try to practice mindfulness - and God/Universe awareness. 

So that I see in all that is around me today - its presence, beauty and its uniqueness.

I am powerless of what others try to do to me.

I am powerless of what others do to themselves.

I am powerless over my co workers, and my employment. (to some extent) 

But I know what is not powerless over those things.

I am powerless over the past.

But I know what power can heal me from the wounds the past has left in me.

I am powerless over what tomorrow may have in store for me or my family.

But I am in touch with a power, I am close with a power, that is not powerless over tomorrow 

and I will leave that there, with that power... for that moment in the future.

We are all warriors! I look forward to your comments.

Valuing myself

You are encouraged to read through the 12 Steps for CoDA everyday as you begin this journey in order to become familiar with the steps and what the path looks like as we develop the necessary tools to have healthy relationships. We use the workbook for Codependent No More as a tool in our group to help walk us through the twelve steps. 

page 67

"I learned that no matter what mountains appeared in my path, a way would be made for me to go over, through, or around them, and usually I'd climb to the top. For whatever problems I had, the solutions I needed also appeared."

As we learn to let go of holding on to control so tightly, and learn to listen and relax, we learn to be okay with where we are, and what we must conquer, endure and get through. Our group is a safe place to share, to listen and to receive support and information. No matter what we are going through, we are accepted, valued and supported. 

Self love is an important part of this journey. Learning to love myself, my habits, my circumstances, my feelings, my life just as it is. Knowing that I am valuable and I am lovable - not for the things that I do, but just because I am. Just because I exist. 

Its hard. I am so hard on myself at times. I am a perfectionist, and I hear all too clearly all the faults that people see in me, and the wrong they see in who I am. But when I am feeling unworthy of love or affection - I have to stop and remember that I am worthy and that no matter what I do or dont do for myself or for others, I am still valuable and I am still worthy of people caring for me and treating me correctly.

As it was said in our meeting last week, we teach others how to treat us. 

And this is a shift we need to make in our lives.

We need to retrain others on a new way of how to value and how to treat us.

And we need to retrain ourselves on how to treat ourselves and value ourselves.

And one of the first steps is spending time with myself and on myself. Working on my steps, working on retraining my thought patterns and retraining my brain - and listening.

Surrender - Spending the time with ourselves

Good Afternoon Friends, 

LAST WEEK:

Last week we talked about Steps 1 - 3, and about letting go of our obsessions, our fears, our pasts, our futures and turning all these things over to our higher power. 

SURRENDER:

Through the processes of Steps 1 - 3 we learn that we are powerless, we learn that there is a higher power that is able and willing to be there for us and to help us through all these twists and turns and uphill battles and we begin to accept this and learn to surrender all that we have been holding so tightly onto for control and security, to our higher power. We begin to understand that our higher power cares deeply us and our well-being, and that there is a great value in us. 

We begin the walk of surrendering each moment, each thing, each worry, each trial over to our higher power. We begin to understand that in order to walk forward in a healthy space, we must spend time with ourselves, and we must spend time with our higher power. 

SPENDING TIME WITH OURSELVES:

Spending time on yourself is sometimes a hard habit to begin. It seems selfish maybe and unproductive. Sometimes I think that I am wasting so much time that I could be "doing" things. But its important for me to remember that doing the me time, spending time journaling, spending time talking things over with God, spending time LISTENING and meditating is PRODUCTIVE DOING!

And it should be part of my calendar my schedule and my responsibilities EVERY DAY.

Over this Holiday Weekend, there were so many things that I had to do and people that were scheduled into my days, that on Sunday and Monday I did not spend the me time. Now, that did not mean that Sunday and Monday were dreary or sad days, but you know what it did mean? That my worries on Monday night before I went to bed, and this morning when I got up, were way too much than I could handle. I was future worrying, I was past grieving, I was thinking about things that I had already surrendered... My "surrender muscle" was beginning to atrophy.. I was not spending the time. 

In order to make surrender work, in order to have the relaxed faith needed to apply surrender, we have to work out the muscle. We have to practice surrender, we have to practice forgiveness of ourselves and others, we have to spend time with ourselves and becoming comfortable in a relationship to our higher power. We wont want to surrender our stuff, and our will over to a higher power that we do not know. 

Work the muscle. Spend the moments. 

Schedule the little bits of time with yourself, your book, your journal and your higher power. 

 Have a wonderful day, and think about something you are grateful for in this day. 

Peace be with you,

Emily

When do I violate the Boundaries of Others?

When do I violate the boundaries of others? 

I used the example I had of always giving my son (who is 18) money when he asks, whether its for gas, outings, meals, shopping etc. Although he is still in high school and graduates this year, I have not respected the boundary of where I end and where he begins, and as a result have caused him harm by delaying his development of managing his own finances and spending habits.

Why did I do this? I compensate for something in me, and maybe in my relationship with him, when I act as his rescuer, even when he does not need it.

When someone in my life is having a crisis, or someone I know is having a run-in with addiction problems, I have a tendency to race in as the Saviour, the helper, the rescuer, even when it is not my place, even when they should be learning to pick up the pieces themselves. Or I try to be the volunteer of helping someone clean up their yard (the boundary metaphor) even when I have not been asked to do so, so that they will think I am valuable and worthy and will accept me.

The question was brought up - How do we know when we are acting healthy in our relationships and responsibilities to others and when we are enabling or violating boundaries? 

By working the steps, and beginning and continuing the focus on steps 1,2 & 3 in our daily lives we become more in tune with our intuition, our still small voice, our connection with our higher power. Our intuition and instincts will begin to speak to us and let us know when we are crossing over the line and doing something that we should not - crossing the boundaries of others or allowing others to cross our boundaries. 

How do we begin this change in our closest relationships? We talked about sitting down with  family, friends and most significant others and letting them know that " I am working on establishing healthy boundaries for myself, and I want to discuss that with you and how that may effect change in our relationship."  In relationships where there has been a lot of boundary violations, a contract may be necessary between you and someone else to state clearly and precisely for each party what to expect in the future. By writing it down, we have something to reflect back on, and we are not able to rationalize bad behavior either by us or others. 

It was also mentioned that "setting proper expectations" with family, friends and co-workers is always a good policy. This helps in knowing what you can expect, and what others can expect from you.

My reflection for the week:

My week was very difficult, and I had to surrender to my higher power about 20 different times as I walked through some hard things. But my week was joyful too. I found out that people in my life who I thought were weaker, or dependent on me,  were much stronger than I gave them credit for. I found out that I CAN rely on others, and that I myself am pretty strong too. 

I renewed my daily reminder of powerlessness, and relaxing into the path of my life, to stop resisting the hard change and the hard lessons and go willingly where the white rapid river takes me. 

I remembered that I am not alone even when I am sitting all by myself. 

Personal Boundaries - working the Steps of Codependent Recovery

Good Morning All, 

I wanted to touch base this week before our meeting tomorrow. Last week we had a couple of new comers and a wonderful conversation about the 12 steps in Daily Living as well as

BOUNDARIES: while continuing to process what is needed of us in Step Four. 

Taking a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves and our lives.

We talked again about the goodness in us, and not to get side tracked by finding only fault and wrongdoings, or be over burdened by guilt.

Part of this process is learning where you may have crossed important boundaries for yourself or others, and by doing so may have caused harm, to yourself or others.

Boundaries have been an important part of our discussion over the last month - and we will continue to talk about it.

But I encourage you to get the Boundaries Book by Dr Cloud and discover some of these amazing techniques he offers for yourself,

So, I have made a commitment to not worry about cleaning up or straightening anyone else's yard for the time being.

 until I have a better handle on boundaries in my life right now as they are, and what I would like them to be.

Guilt is a huge factor for me in making decisions that are unhealthy and wrong for me, and others.

I shoot from the hip and make quick often wrong decisions, so that others do not feel badly, and in order to avoid conflict.

I shelter others with means that I really do not have, and it can be detrimental to myself and them.

I do not weigh the consequences thoroughly before acting, and make stupid mistakes that I know well are not what I should have done, when I look back on them,

Why do I do this? 

Why do I make bad decisions when others are involved? Whether it be, money, hardship, activities, responsibilities, boundaries.....

One of the things I have uncovered is that I do not want people to be unduely burdened because of me. I do not want to ask people for help, I dont want people to think I am a failure

I want to be accepted and thought well of. I want to avoid conflict, and hurting others or making them angry. 

I am constantly noting my feelings of not being valuable enough just how I am, warts and all. 

I am critical of myself, and internally feel like I do not measure up. 

I dont want my kids to feel like this ever, so I overcompensate for them and their needs. I enable them always. I shelter them and spoil them. 

I feel guilty of my shortcomings as a parent and try to make up for these things - over and over. 

I dont want to burden my husband with problems, or stresses, and so I dont tell him things that are going on, or stresses or fears that I have. I am afraid of conflict in our relationship and so I avoid it. 

I dont often call upon my friends or family members when I need something, until its a crisis.

I can dig deep holes for myself... and then labor intensely by myself without asking for help. Eventhough I know that people need help, and I am the first to offer it others in their struggles and hard times.

I often forget that others can ease my burden. 

I often forget that others want to help me too. 

I dont know how to let others help me, and maybe I dont even know how to let God Help me.

Maybe I am feeling like I am not worthy of His help. 

So.... I go back to the first 3 steps.

I am powerless. I cannot do everything - or anything.

I must believe in the power greater than myself. And that the love that is there, and the power that is there, is also there for me.

I must be willing to turn my will and my direction/path and life over to this power and stop resisting the struggle. I must surrender to this power greater than myself that can truly help me. 

In order to learn how to rely on others, I must first learn to rely on him. Blindly, with open arms and willingness to go through whatever he has for me. 

With the faith that his perfect plan will get me to a place of wonder and beauty that I can never get to on my own, even if the path to that place is thorny, rough and painful.

What is Codependency?

The term codependency has been around for almost four decades. Although it originally applied to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholics, researchers revealed that the characteristics of codependents were much more prevalent in the general population than had been imagined. In fact, they found that if you were raised in a dysfunctional family or had an ill parent, you’re likely codependent.

Don’t feel bad if that includes you. Most American families are dysfunctional. You’re in the majority!

Researchers also found that codependent symptoms got worse if left untreated. The good news is that they’re reversible.

Following is a list of symptoms of codependents. You needn’t have them all to qualify as codependent.

• Low self-esteem.Feeling that you’re not good enough or comparing yourself to others are signs of low self-esteem. The tricky thing about self-esteem is that some people think highly of themselves, but it’s only a disguise — they actually feel unlovable or inadequate. Underneath, usually hidden from consciousness, are feelings of shame.Guilt and perfectionism often go along with low self-esteem. If everything is perfect, you don’t feel bad about yourself.
• People-pleasing. It’s fine to want to please someone you care about, but codependents usually don’t think they have a choice. Saying “No” causes them anxiety. Some codependents have a hard time saying “No” to anyone. They go out of their way and sacrifice their own needs to accommodate other people.
• Poor boundaries.Boundaries are sort of an imaginary line between you and others. It divides up what’s yours and somebody else’s, and that applies not only to your body, money, and belongings, but also to your feelings, thoughts and needs. That’s especially where codependents get into trouble. They have blurry or weak boundaries. They feel responsible for other people’s feelings and problems or blame their own on someone else.Some codependents have rigid boundaries. They are closed off and withdrawn, making it hard for other people to get close to them. Sometimes, people flip back and forth between having weak boundaries and having rigid ones.
• Reactivity. A consequence of poor boundaries is that you react to everyone’s thoughts and feelings. If someone says something you disagree with, you either believe it or become defensive. You absorb their words, because there’s no boundary. With a boundary, you’d realize it was just their opinion and not a reflection of you and not feel threatened by disagreements.
• Caretaking. Another effect of poor boundaries is that if someone else has a problem, you want to help them to the point that you give up yourself. It’s natural to feel empathy and sympathy for someone, but codependents start putting other people ahead of themselves. In fact, they need to help and might feel rejected if another person doesn’t want help. Moreover, they keep trying to help and fix the other person, even when that person clearly isn’t taking their advice.
• Control.Control helps codependents feel safe and secure. Everyone needs some control over events in their life. You wouldn’t want to live in constant uncertainty and chaos, but for codependents, control limits their ability to take risks and share their feelings. Sometimes they have an addiction that either helps them loosen up, like alcoholism, or helps them hold their feelings down, like workaholism, so that they don’t feel out of control.Codependents also need to control those close to them, because they need other people to behave in a certain way to feel okay. In fact, people-pleasing and care-taking can be used to control and manipulate people. Alternatively, codependents are bossy and tell you what you should or shouldn’t do. This is a violation of someone else’s boundary.
• Dysfunctional communication. Codependents have trouble when it comes to communicating their thoughts, feelings and needs. Of course, if you don’t know what you think, feel or need, this becomes a problem. Other times, you know, but you won’t own up to your truth. You’re afraid to be truthful, because you don’t want to upset someone else. Instead of saying, “I don’t like that,” you might pretend that it’s okay or tell someone what to do. Communication becomes dishonest and confusing when you try to manipulate the other person out of fear.
• Obsessions.Codependents have a tendency to spend their time thinking about other people or relationships. This is caused by their dependency and anxieties and fears. They can also become obsessed when they think they’ve made or might make a “mistake.”Sometimes you can lapse into fantasy about how you’d like things to be or about someone you love as a way to avoid the pain of the present. This is one way to stay in denial, discussed below, but it keeps you from living your life.
• Dependency. Codependents need other people to like them to feel okay about themselves. They’re afraid of being rejected or abandoned, even if they can function on their own. Others need always to be in a relationship, because they feel depressed or lonely when they’re by themselves for too long. This trait makes it hard for them to end a relationship, even when the relationship is painful or abusive. They end up feeling trapped.
• Denial. One of the problems people face in getting help for codependency is that they’re in denial about it, meaning that they don’t face their problem. Usually they think the problem is someone else or the situation. They either keep complaining or trying to fix the other person, or go from one relationship or job to another and never own up the fact that they have a problem.Codependents also deny their feelings and needs. Often, they don’t know what they’re feeling and are instead focused on what others are feeling. The same thing goes for their needs. They pay attention to other people’s needs and not their own. They might be in denial of their need for space and autonomy. Although some codependents seem needy, others act like they’re self-sufficient when it comes to needing help. They won’t reach out and have trouble receiving. They are in denial of their vulnerability and need for love and intimacy.
• Problems with intimacy. By this I’m not referring to sex, although sexual dysfunction often is a reflection of an intimacy problem. I’m talking about being open and close with someone in an intimate relationship. Because of the shame and weak boundaries, you might fear that you’ll be judged, rejected, or left. On the other hand, you may fear being smothered in a relationship and losing your autonomy. You might deny your need for closeness and feel that your partner wants too much of your time; your partner complains that you’re unavailable, but he or she is denying his or her need for separateness.
• Painful emotions. Codependency creates stress and leads to painful emotions. Shame and low self-esteem create anxiety and fear about being judged, rejected or abandoned; making mistakes; being a failure; feeling trapped by being close or being alone. The other symptoms lead to feelings of anger and resentment, depression, hopelessness, and despair. When the feelings are too much, you can feel numb.

There is help for recovery and change. The first step is getting guidance and support. These symptoms are deeply ingrained habits and difficult to identify and change on your own. Join a 12-Step program, such as Codependents Anonymous or seek counseling. Work on becoming more assertive and building your self-esteem.

My struggle with Codependency -PART 1

Codependency has been a defining factor in my life long before I even knew what it was.
It caused me to get off track in life goals and in knowing what was best for myself. Codependency was blinding, and dark, and until the madness and chaos got so bad in my life, I had no idea that what I was doing was unhealthy, or that there was a way to get my life back on track.

How did Codependency manifest in my life?

Through relationships as a teenager at first. I was always in need to be validated by my peers, my friends, my church, my school mates, and my family. This was a deep focus of mine and overtook my sense of responsibility to myself, my family and others. Decisions that I would make as a teenager and young adult were illogical and out of balance. But, at that the root of my decisions and actions sat the unquenched desire to be valuable to others, approved of by others, and loved by others.

What did I do?

Although I am very smart, I sacrificed my schooling and academic success to have intimate relationships. My focus from about 16 years old was to be needed and loved in someone's life, a boyfriend. I learned a lot about the world in this decision making whirl-win that I was in. I missed classes in college, eventually dropping out my freshman year because I was pregnant. I did not care, it did not devastate me. All I wanted was the fantasy of having a meaningful, loving relationship with that special someone. The someone that I was connected with at the time, was broken in his own way. He came from a dysfunctional family, and his mom's new husband was abusive and frequently involved in criminal activities. He was someone who loved to go to parties, and loved to drink. I did not think anything bad about this, I just thought it was normal young adult or teen age behavior. I did not know the extent to which he was involved in drinking and that it would eventually lead us to a place that I could not be in.

Because of his alcohol abuse and angry behavior I moved back home with my parents with my son, who was a baby. I stayed there for a couple of years. But still, the hunger inside me to be loved, to be wanted to be accepted and to be needed was overpowering. I made decisions that brought me close to people who were also like me. We spent a lot of time in bars and having fun. My parents helped me a lot. I was working and being a single mom, but I was also having a lot of help. Within two years, and after dating a lot of people, I met someone who I could cling onto. He resisted some, but he liked hanging with me, and he had a severe need for me. He was discombombulated and emotional. He needed help getting things done in his daily life and boy was I the person for the job. I could help him with finding housing, with finding a car, with finding a job... and when he was mean or inconsiterate of my feelings, I would be sad, I would be mad, but I would forgive and jump back in. It was not until about 1 year into our relationship that I found out he was a drug addict. But, did that scare me away? No way! I could help him, I could support him. I could see his potential and his intelligence and I could help him to be all he ever could be.

I hang on. For 10 years. 10 years full of ups and downs, and rehabs and interventions. 10 years of moving and him losing jobs. 10 years of supporting us, and my son. And then eventually our son together and our daughter. 10 years of trying to fix, trying to save and trying not to lose my mind.

And in the middle of that 10 years, at my deepest low - a Pastor at Church told me that I should attend a codependent support group. Al-Anon or something like that and that I should read a book called CoDependent No More.
UGH!
I read some of the book - I threw the book.
I tried to read some of that book again! I threw the book. I hated that book!
It wasnt me that wasnt me IT WAS NOT ME!

it was me

but why? I did not come from a family that was dysfunctional, I never suffered from abuse as a child, and now I was allowing myself to be abused. . I had a loving family...and  a supportive family... what made me a codependent? and I was a severe codependent!

Moral Inventory - Looking at my positive assets

Last week we had a great discussion on pg 90 in the workbook - Looking at my Positive Assets

This is a part of the moral inventory that helps us remember our good traits, and maintain our balance. 

We talked about making sure that we don't associate our label of ourselves as codependency as negative. The possibility exists that you could 

change your perspective about this, and in seeing your good traits, wear codependency as a badge of honor. 

We are compassionate

Caring

Giving

Loving people. We have many excellent and valuable qualities that make us who we are. 

And a codependents, we share in many of these positive traits. 

Now its true, that our blessings can also be a curse at times, but that is what we are developing tools for - ways to reign in our talents gifts or "special powers" so that they are never harmful to ourselves or others.

We also looked at pg 96 and 97 which is a chart of Incident Origins, beginning to search for the first time that we know we felt a certain way, the actions that led up to it, our feelings about it. 

We had great sharing of some very personal, heart breaking and yet triumphant stories. 

We talked about how through this process we are letting some of the bad stuff go - emptying our cup of this bad stuff a little at a time, so that there is room for the good stuff.

We are recreating ourselves.

This week we will discuss BOUNDARIES

Here is the worksheet and the link to the article I passed out:

http://psychcentral.com/lib/10-way-to-build-and-preserve-better-boundaries/

Worksheet – Boundaries

List some healthy boundaries:

What are some healthy boundaries that you have?

What are boundaries that you have a vague understanding of, or that you understand but cant keep?

Who do you allow to cross your boundaries?

Why do you allow someone to cross your boundaries?

When are boundaries not important?

When are they important?

What is a good internal compass for boundary control?

____________________________

LAST WEEKS DISCUSSION:

From the Workbook – Lesson Five - You’re a Keeper

Pg 90 -  Let’s look at Positive Assets

What are some positive assets, (emotions, beliefs, behaviors, skills) that You possess.

What are some specific examples of these?

Pg  96 – 97

Review the Family of Origin Chart ( another alternative to personal inventory)

Original Incident	Feelings about it	Belief Created	Today’s Behavior

 and Discuss the topic “ Recreating Yourself”

“You are identifying and getting rid of the old things that hold you back to make room for life to deliver good stuff to you”